性趣全无
今天，男朋友为了给我们的爱爱加点料，于是决定学动漫角色那样说话。在他说完“你的小妹妹在我的阿姆斯特朗回旋加速喷气式阿姆斯特朗炮面前不堪一击！”这句话后，我们再也进行不下去了。FML
Today, my boyfriend decided to "spice up sex" by talking like an anime character. We had to stop after the line, "Your vagina will crumble before the power of my Hypercock!" FML

肤浅的蠢货
今天，在生完孩子7个月后，我准备好和老公恢复bang交了。至于他为什么不愿意和我做，他总是找借口搪塞。因为这一点，我们的婚姻也告急了。在我找他促膝而谈的时候，他坦白说想要挽救这段婚姻的唯一办法就是，我要去做“腹部拉皮”并且“抬升下垂的胸部”。FML
Today, I was ready to get intimate with my husband 7 months after giving birth to our son. He always made excuses as to why he couldn’t. Our marriage was on the rocks because of this, so when I sat him down to talk he admitted that to save this marriage I need to get a “tummy tuck” and a “breast lift.” FML

五十度赭屎
今天，刚推开家门就看见我爹从厨房里走出来，头上还戴了顶红色的丝绸兜帽。我就寻思这老头儿整啥幺蛾子呢，直到我进屋听见他在楼上对我妈说：“哎呀外婆，你的嘴巴怎么这么大啊！”我完全不想知道他俩喜欢角色扮演啊！FML
Today, I got home and I saw my dad come out of the kitchen in a red silk hood. I had no idea what the hell he was doing, until I went inside and heard him upstairs say to mum, “Oh my grandma, what a big mouth you have.” Hell of a way to discover your parents like roleplay in bed. FML

安全词
今天，我跟老公吵架，他朝着我嚷嚷，给我吵哭了。他就问我说：“你为啥哭啊？昨儿晚上咱俩整粗活儿的时候，我又抽你屁股，又把你在床上摔来摔去，还污言侮辱你，你不是挺享受的嘛？！”FML
Today, I was arguing with my husband and he screamed at me to the point of tears. He asked, “Why are you crying? Last night we had rough sex where I spanked you, threw you around in bed, called you names, and you enjoyed that shit.” FML

背叛
今天，我妈大发雷霆，跟我摊牌说我祖父其实就是我父亲。显然我是一次强X的产物，接着她还进一步承认说，她原本打算把我堕掉，但最后还是决定留下。她现在很后悔当时的决定。这场坦白的起因？我偷偷看了《安眠书店》第四季没告诉她。FML
Today, my mom had a fit and confessed that my grandfather is also my father. Apparently, I was the product of a rape and she further confessed that she was going to abort me but chose not to, and she regrets her decision. What caused this conversation? Me watching the season 4 of "You" without telling her. FML

恭喜
今天，是我和未婚妻的两周年纪念日。既不是我们的订婚纪念日，也不是恋爱纪念日，而是距离我们上次啪啪啪两周年的纪念日。FML
Today, it’s mine and my fiancée’s two year anniversary. No, not our engagement or dating anniversary, it’s the two year anniversary of when we last had sex. FML

烂剧成真了
今天，我见到了女朋友的妈妈。结果发现伯母是我跟女朋友认识之前3个月那会儿一夜情的对象，当时我根本不知道她是谁。她和伯父已经“幸福”的生活了25年。我完全不知道要说什么，场面尬的一逼，以至于女朋友都起了疑。FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's mom. Turns out I had sex with her once about 3 months before I met my girlfriend, and had no idea who she was. She’s been “happily” married to my girlfriend's dad for 25 years. I have no idea what to say or do and it’s awkward, so my girlfriend is getting suspicious. FML

多余
今天，爹妈告诉我他们本打算只要两个小孩的，之所以会有我，是因为我爹当时“以为”自己戴着套呢。FML
Today, my parents told me that they had planned two kids (my older siblings) and I was born because my father "thought" that he was wearing a condom. FML

母亲障碍
今天，我越是长大，越是发现母亲已经彻底废掉了我的性能力。以前她一觉得我起邪念就揍我，纵是她已经过世多年了，但每当我想和女朋友来一发的时候，脑海里就会回响起母亲的声音，然后我就耷拉了。我甚至都没办法自己撸一发。FML
Today, the older I get, the more I realise my mom has screwed up my ability to have sex. She used to beat me if she thought I was having impure thoughts, and though she died years ago, when I try to have sex with my girlfriend I hear mom's voice in my head and I go limp. I can’t even masturbate. FML

短暂的休战
今天，女朋友生我气已经一个礼拜了，还一直不告诉我原因。当她风情万种的骑到我身上时，我还以为她原谅我了。但并没有，她只是想要了。等她爽完了起身就走，留下意犹未尽的我。她继续去生我的气，仍旧不告诉我原因。FML
Today, it's been a week that my girlfriend has been mad at me but still won’t tell me why, but then she came on to me all sexy like, so I thought all was forgiven. Nope, she was just horny. Once she got her orgasm, she left me blue-balled, went right back to being mad at me, and still won’t explain why. FML

重大警报
今天，男朋友一整天都对我超级好，我也很享受这种照顾。晚上睡觉的时候，他问我今天开心不，我说开心呀。他又问，有没有开心到想要试下走后门？我回答说那没有，每次他问我都这么回答。他翻了下身，背朝着我睡觉了。好好先生到此为止。FML
Today, my boyfriend has been super nice to me all day and I was enjoying the attention. At bedtime, he asked me if I was happy, I said yes, he asked if was I happy enough to try butt stuff. I said no, like I do every time he asks for butt stuff. He turned over and went to sleep. So much for being nice. FML

医学问题
今天，Bumble上有个男的给我发了一张鸡照。我打开照片，盯着看了好久，然后回复他说：“我看着挺正常的。你有什么不舒服吗？”然后突然意识到：这就是人们说的“医学生的生活”。我完了！FML
Today, a guy on Bumble sent me a dick pic to me. I opened it, stared at it for a good few minutes, and replied, “I don’t see anything unusual. What are your complaints?” And then it hit me: It’s what they call “the life of a medical student.” I’m ruined! FML

及时行乐
今天，我跟我家的狗狗玩耍。结果它的玩具球滚到了沙发下面，于是我就跪在地上伸手去沙发底下够那个球。它却觉得，不趁这时候干我一发就太可惜了。FML
Today, I was playing with my dog. His bouncy ball rolled under the couch, and I got on my hands and knees to get it. He decided it would be a good chance to hump the shit out of me. FML

创新、适应、克服
今天，我撞见女儿用她的卷发棒在熨裤子。她已经17岁了。FML
Today, I walked in on my daughter attempting to iron her pants with a hair straightener. She's 17. FML

都出来吧
今天，我发现了，我要想拉出屎，必须得同时擤鼻子。不幸的是当时我正在女友家的厨房里。FML
Today, I learned that the only way for me to have a complete bowel movement is to blow my nose at the same time. However, I learned this while standing in my girlfriend's kitchen. FML

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