国际象棋拳击赛
今天，表弟想要跟我下象棋。我一直是个臭棋篓子，但没想到他比我还要菜。而且我还忘了他有多么输不起。我在棋盘上狠狠蹂躏他之后，现在多了一只熊猫眼。FML
Today, my cousin wanted to play chess with me. I've never been good at chess, but I had no idea until now that my cousin is somehow even worse than I am. I also forgot that he's a sore loser and a half until after I finished thoroughly trouncing him. Now I have a black eye. FML

担心？
今天，外婆长篇大论的说着她有多担心我的健康，说我有什么话但说无妨。我试着对她敞开心扉，诉说着我的心理问题。结果她却应声道：“住嘴，我不想听。我又不是你的心理医生。”我混乱了。FML
Today, my grandmother gave me a long speech detailing how she was worried about my well-being, and told me that I could tell her anything. I tried to open up to her about my mental health issues, to which she responded, "Stop, I don't care, I'm not your therapist." I'm so confused. FML

厚颜无耻
今天，我那马上就要成为前夫的老公厚颜无耻的问我说，在我生孩子的时候，能不能让他的小三也来产房里。FML
Today, my soon-to-be ex-husband had the audacity to ask if the woman he cheated on me with could be in the delivery room while I give birth to our baby. FML

的确挺惊喜的
今天，我在新公司刚上了2个月的班就被老板提拔了，为了给老板个惊喜，我提出请他和几位同事一起下馆子搓一顿。不过出现了个小小的意外：我的银行卡余额不足了。现在户头上是负的200刀。显然我老婆决定带着孩子们去血拼了几套冬装。这他妈才刚春天啊。FML
Today, to surprise my boss who promoted me within the first two months of my new job, I offered to take him and a couple of coworkers out to eat. We had one minor inconvenience: my bank card declined. I was 200$ in the negative. Apparently my wife decided to take the kids winter clothes shopping. It’s fucking April. FML

怎么肥四？
今天，我在修眼镜的时候不小心用强力胶把我的手粘在了脸上。慌乱下我猛的把手扽了下来，上面还带着我的一块脸皮。FML
Today, I accidentally super-glued my hand to my face while trying to fix a broken pair of glasses. I yanked it off in a panic, taking a patch of my face along with it. FML

太对不住了，阿尔伯特叔叔
今天，我跟室友说晚上不回来住了，让他好好跟Tinder上的约会对象恩爱恩爱。悲催的是，我这一天过的都特别不顺，就把这事儿给忘干净了。我一如既往的回了家，结果撞见他在客厅里疯狂打桩。女的是我婶婶，那个和我最喜欢的叔叔“婚姻美满”的婶婶。FML
Today, I'd promised my flatmate I’d sleep somewhere else so he could hook up with his Tinder date. Unfortunately I had a bad day at work and totally forgot so I went home as normal and walked in on him in the front room, balls deep in my aunt, who is “happily married” to my favourite uncle. FML

真是个混蛋
今天，我撞见老公正在对着他朋友的舞蹈视频打飞机。他还用他死去的妈妈发誓说，他只把那个姑娘看作朋友。最糟糕的部分？他从来都不想跟我做，说什么一硬就会“头疼”。FML
Today, I walked in on my husband jerking off to his friend’s dance videos on YouTube. He “swears on his mother’s grave” he only sees her as a friend. The worst part? He’s never in the mood to have sex because he’s been getting “migraines” when achieving erections. FML

风控
今天，女朋友没让我去一场派对，因为她说她前男友也会去。而且她还没把我俩的事儿告诉过他，她不想让他不开心。FML
Today, my girlfriend uninvited to me a party because she said her ex would be there, and since she hasn't told him about us, she didn't want him getting upset. FML

精疲力竭的爹妈才会懂
今天，跟老婆看电视时候突然意识到，孩子都已经睡下一个半点儿了，我俩还在看着《小马宝利》。FML
Today, while watching TV with my wife, I realized that we were still watching "My Little Pony" even though the kids had been asleep for half an hour. FML

中年危机
今天，我不得不跟男朋友分手了，因为我俩的三观完全不一致。他不想要结婚，也不想要孩子，因为他想“享受年轻的自己”，还有“人这一辈子只能年轻一回，不能浪费！”他都快40了。FML
Today, I had to break up with my boyfriend because we’re not on the same page. He doesn’t want to get married or have kids because he “wants to enjoy his youth” and “you’re only young once, don’t waste it!” He’s 38. FML

大族长
今天，女儿来初潮了。家里除了我老公没别人。他也不知道该怎么办好了，就让她往内裤里垫了块海绵。FML
Today, my daughter got her first period. Nobody was home but my husband. He didn't know what to do, except give her a sponge to put in her underwear. FML

咻，好险~
今天，女朋友的胃烧的慌。她吓坏了，坚信自己是犯了心脏病。五小时又一辆救护车后，我们最后拿着“热狗吃多了”的诊断书离开了急诊室。FML
Today, my girlfriend got heartburn. She started freaking out, convinced she was having a heart attack. Five hours and an ambulance later, we finally left the ER with a diagnosis of "too many hot dogs." FML

奈斯
今天，我去上厕所，旁边是位老先生。在我放水的时候，他完事儿拉上拉锁往外走。路过我的时候，他朝我一侧倾了下身子，对我耳语说道：“真不错啊。”FML
Today, I went to a urinal next to an elderly gentleman. As I was doing my business, he zips up and begins to leave. On his way out, he leans over my shoulder and whispers in my ear, "That's nice". FML

该补补生物课了
今天，16岁的女儿想要说服我说卫生棉条一点用都没，因为她用了以后还能照尿不误。FML
Today, my 16 year-old daughter tried to convince me that tampons don't actually work, all because she can still pee with one in. FML

太天真
今天，我不得不跟室友解释说，《王冠》里的卡司都是演员，不是真人王室。FML
Today, I had to explain to my housemate that the cast of "The Crown" is not the real Royal Family impersonating themselves. FML

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