二傻子
今天，外地的侄女跑来看望我，结果同一天我爱人测出来阳了。为了尽量减少接触，我跟侄女说我会送她去火车站，让老公在家隔离。她不答应。一整天她就贴着我坐，希望我也是携带者。这孩子还盼着自己能感染上。FML
Today, my niece came to visit from out of town. It's also the day my partner tested positive for Covid. To minimize contact, I told her I would take her to the train station while he isolates. She refused. She then spent the day sitting as close to me as possible, hoping I was a carrier. She WANTED to catch it. FML

鸡蛋里挑骨头
今天，上司跟我说，由于我工作表现欠佳，可能会把我开了。我很震惊，因为他之前还夸我表现好，说目前公司的大规模裁员不会裁到我头上。我问有什么地方需要我改进提高。他说我给他发的短信有时候太长了。FML
Today, my boss told me I may lose my job due to underperformance. I was shocked, as he'd previously mentioned that I was performing well, and that I was safe from the current company wide layoffs. I asked him what I need to improve on. He said that my instant messages to him are sometimes too long. FML

醋坛子
今天，男朋友写信告发我和一位男同事。这位同事过生日时，我给他做了个生日蛋糕，又买了份生日礼物，男朋友就认为我出轨了。他捏造了个谣言，跟我领导说我跟这名男同事搞到了一起。最后我同事被调到了另外一个部门。宝贝，希望你现在满意了。FML
Today, my boyfriend got me and a male colleague written up. He thinks I’m having a affair because I made a cake and bought a present for his birthday. He made up a story and told my boss that we’re fucking. My colleague ended up getting transferred to another unit. Hope you’re happy now, babe. FML

真巧啊，你也上厕所
今天，我发现了即便在飞机上把厕所门锁死，还是有人能在你换卫生棉条的时候推门而入。FML
Today, I discovered that despite locking the bathroom door of an airplane, a man is still fully capable of walking in on you changing your tampon. FML

撸客警报
今天，姥姥只要一见到我上气不接下气、满头汗或者关着房门待在屋里，就会朝着我大声喊：“你刚撸完吧！！”她这样已经有3年了。爹妈觉得这事儿贼搞笑，而我死的心都有了。FML
Today, if I'm out of breath, sweaty, or in a room with the door closed, my grandmother will loudly yell, "YOU HAVE BEEN MASTURBATING!" as soon as she sees me. It's been going on for three years. My parents think it's hilarious. I want to die. FML

散漫仔
今天，在逛超市的时候，我心不在焉的琢磨最近新用的节食方法有没有效果。当我的裤腰出溜到我脚踝的时候，我有了答案。FML
Today, I was doing my grocery shopping, absent-mindedly wondering if my new diet was working. I got my answer when my panties fell down around my ankles. FML

抖音网红饶了我吧
今天，一位患者向我说明我该如何为他治疗，还点开一个抖音视频为我展示。首先，我是外科医生，不是牙医。其次，就算我是，我也不可能凌晨2点在急诊室给他做根管治疗。FML
Today, a patient explained to me what treatment he thought I was supposed to give him by showing me a TikTok video. For one, I'm a surgeon, not a dentist, but even if I was, I wouldn't do root canal treatments at 2 a.m. in an emergency room. FML

厨房噩梦
今天，吃够了平时的火鸡肉/三文鱼沙拉/鸡肉三明治，我煲了一锅汤打算明天带去公司当午饭。结果我女朋友大半夜起来寻摸吃的，把整锅汤都碰翻了，还是我起来收拾的。FML
Today, getting tired of my usual turkey/tuna salad/chicken sandwiches, I made a pot of soup to take to work for lunch. My girlfriend woke up in the middle of the night to forage for snacks, spilled it all over the floor, and woke me up to clean it. FML

不良影响
今天，我儿子对他老师说，她“有对儿好柰子”。他才4岁。FML
Today, my son told his teacher that she "has a nice rack." He's four. FML

恶作剧还是脑宕机
今天，儿子发短信给我说他手机找不见了，于是我跑去帮他一起找。FML
Today, my son texted me that he couldn't find his phone, so I went to go help him look for it. FML

少年狂热信徒
今天，女儿抱怨自己没有朋友。我儿子跟她说，这都是她的错，一个礼拜去三趟教堂，还跟个让人无法拒绝的“耶和华见证认”教徒一样，想让全学校都改信她的信仰。他说的一点错都没，但现在她哭个没完了。FML
Today, my daughter was complaining about having no friends. My son told her it’s her own fault for attending church 3 times a week and trying to convert everyone at school like a Jehovah's witness who you can’t shut the door on. He’s 100% right but now she won’t stop crying. FML

搁浅
今天，我的脸书账号被盗了。盗号的人向我的所有在线好友发消息说，“我”身在国外，钱花光了需要帮助。但是根本没人搭理。看来盗号的选错了目标。FML
Today, my Facebook was hacked. The hacker messaged all my online friends, explaining that "I" was overseas, had run out of money and needed help. Not one person cared enough to respond. I guess the hacker picked the wrong target. FML

健康危害
今天，我在穿过工作所在酒店的酒吧区域时摔了个大屁蹲儿。然后有顾客向我领导投诉，说我不该在工作时间喝酒。FML
Today, I was walking through the bar area of the restaurant I work at and fell on my ass. Customers complained to my manager that I shouldn't be drinking on the job. FML

公开爆发
今天，在星巴克，我隔壁桌坐了一对儿父子，儿子跟爸爸说在公共场合见面是为了自身安全，因为他必须跟爸爸坦白，他把同父异母的妹妹的肚子给搞大了。这事儿听起来或许不是我的FML，但他俩后来的殴斗砸坏了我的笔记本电脑。FML
Today, at Starbucks, I was sat next to a father and son where the son told his dad he wanted to meet in a public place for his own safety, because he had to tell him he’d gotten his half-sister pregnant. It might not sound like my FML but in the fist fight that followed they smashed my laptop. FML

凌乱
今天，我第一次去看妇科，紧张到不行。大夫伸手跟我握手的时候，我把手提包递给了她。FML
Today, I went to the gynecologist for the first time. I was so nervous that when she extended her hand to shake mine, I gave her my handbag instead. FML

啥几把？
今天，我撞见了室友正在撸。没敲门是我的错，可这他么是我的房间和电脑啊？FML
Today, I walked in on my roommate mid-wank because I didn’t knock before opening the door. Why was he in my room and using my computer? FML

舒服
今天，我跟老公说，我去上班了，你给狗狗洗个澡。等我下班回来，发现狗狗和我老公一起坐在浴缸里泡澡。FML
Today, I told my husband to give our dog a bath while I was at work. When I returned home, I found my dog, along with my husband, in the bath together. FML

甜蜜的惩罚
今天，我姨找到了外公的遗嘱，上面说要把所有遗产都留给我，他们屁都没有。外公的律师在电话里也证实了，这的确是外公的遗嘱。现在全家上下都恨我恨得牙痒痒，认为是我控制了他。我外公这一辈子都没喜欢过我，这应该是他在用他的方式惩罚我吧。FML
Today, my aunts found grandpa's will, which left everything to me and nothing to them, and his lawyer confirmed on the phone this was definitely grandpa's wish. My entire family now hate me and think I manipulated him. My grandpa has hated me my entire life, so I think this is his way of punishing me. FML

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