秘密交易
今天，在公司，朋友把他的车停好。我递给他了40刀，然后他递给了我一个袋子。这看起来就像是场不法交易，但实际上他偷偷带给我的是新《宠物小精灵》的游戏卡。我已经22岁了，要真是场不法交易或许说起来还没那么尴尬。FML
Today, at work, my buddy pulled up in his car. I handed him $40, and he handed me a bag. It must have looked like a drug deal, but he was actually just smuggling in the new Pokémon game for me. I'm 22, and a drug deal would probably have been less embarrassing to explain. FML

漫长的一天
今天，老板威胁我，说我要是再这么老是盯着手机看就把我开了。我的工位在小屋里，里面也没钟表。我看手机是为了看看几点了。这样我就能知道还差几个钟头离开这个鬼地方了。FML
Today, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't stop looking at my phone while working. I work in the back room, and there is no clock in there. I look at my phone to check the time. That way I know how long I have left in that hellhole. FML

整蛊专家
今天，我在农场工作，有同事整蛊我，给我的靴子钉了一双马掌。是的，你没看错，同事大费周章，按着我的惠灵顿靴子的尺寸锻造了完全合适的马掌，然后又钉在了鞋底上。说真的，这真挺牛逼的，但你们至于的嘛……FML
Today, I work on a farm and someone pranked me by horseshoeing my boots. You read that right, someone went through the full process of fixing horseshoes to my Wellington boots, forging the shoe to the correct shape, then nailing it on. It was actually impressive, but seriously guys… FML

振作点
今天，我的另一半对酒和电视的关心胜过她对孩子和宠物的。FML
Today, my significant other cares more about her drink and the TV than her kids and pets. FML

撤腿
今天，昨天晚上喝酒喝断片了，早上起来发现有人偷走了我的假肢。 FML
Today, I woke up after a night of drinking to find that while I was passed out someone stole my prosthetic leg. FML

万物皆有联系
今天，我病了有三周了，现在已经分不清我这虚弱是因为①病还没好，还是②缺乏锻炼(①导致的)亦或是③严重抑郁(②导致的)。FML
Today, I’ve been sick for 3 weeks and by now I can hardly even distinguish whether I feel weak and shitty due to A) still being sick, B) lack of exercise (caused by A), or C) severe depression (caused by B). FML

过得挺好的
今天，我刷Tinder的时候只匹配到了一个女孩。她给我点了个“超级喜欢”，所以我以为她肯定想要跟我认识一下，彼此看看有没有戏。结果并不是。她把我当成了去年那个把她照顾的一只流浪猫领养走的男人，联系我就是想了解一下猫猫的近况。FML
Today, I was on Tinder and only one girl matched with me. She gave me a "Super-Like" so I thought she must want to get to know each other and see what happens. Nope. She recognized me as the guy who adopted the stray cat she was taking care of last year, and just wanted to know how he was doing. FML

坏消息
今天，后知后觉的我发现每次老公说他在“出公差”，实际上都是在跟别的婊子交公粮。FML
Today, I came to found out that every time my husband told me that he was on "a work trip", he was actually cheating on me with some other bitch. FML

大起……大落
今天，在我刷碗的时候，媳妇儿走了过来，身上穿着一套新内衣，含笑的眸子里秋波暗送。 我赶紧停下手中的活儿，把她抱上了床。完事儿之后，她下楼去找酒喝的时候，看到了池子里刷了一半的碗，跟我大吵一架。现在我已经睡在沙发上了。FML
Today, I was washing the dishes when my wife came in wearing a new lingerie set, smiling at me. I dropped what I was doing and carried her to bed. After we'd finished, she went downstairs for a drink, saw the dishes I hadn't cleaned, and started a fight. Now I'm on the couch. FML

经典爷们时刻
今天，我丈夫好多年都没跟我亲热过了。我新买了一套性感的内衣，穿着在家里走来走去。他特么牛子都不带抬一下头的。我问他为什么不想和我那个了，他说：“想听实话？你也做做仰卧起坐和深蹲，我定会对你欲罢不能。”FML
Today, my husband hasn’t touched me in ages. I bought sexy lingerie and walked around the house in them. My husband wouldn’t budge. When I asked him why he didn't want to get physical, he told me, “You want me to be honest? Do some sit ups and butt squats, then I’ll be all over you like cheese on macaroni.” FML

神秘的男人
今天，我发现了一个未婚夫拍的视频，他在里面给一个假牛子深喉，眼睛还一直看着镜头，然后又把假牛子放进了别的地方。我不知道他拍这个是要干嘛，也不知道是拍给谁看的，而且不知道怎么跟他聊聊这事儿。但我知道的是，这事儿和他最近对我没性趣肯定有联系。FML
Today, I found a video of my fiance staring into the camera while deep-throating a dildo, and then putting it other places. I have no idea who/what it was for, or how to talk to him about this, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with his disinterest in me lately. FML

性教育
今天，跟男朋友完事儿后，他让我赶紧去厕所，这样就不会怀孕了。我问他啥玩意儿，他说我得把“蝌蚪尿出去”。我跟他解释了5遍，尿液不是从阴道里出去的。他还是没明白。FML
Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he said that I should go to the bathroom so we don't end up pregnant. When I asked why, he said that I need to "pee out the semen." I explained to him 5 times that I don't pee out of my vagina. He still doesn't get it. FML

务实
今天，我下体做了个手术，所以在6周内不能啪。男朋友觉得在我痊愈之前是没啥必要再陪着我了。FML
Today, I had surgery on my "girl parts" and can't have sex for six weeks. My boyfriend sees no need to spend any time with me until I heal up. FML

今天，谈了7个月的男朋友和我分手，然后问我在他走之前，能不能最后再口他一次。FML
Today, my boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me, and then asked if I'd give him head one last time before he left. FML

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