玩儿跳伞其实不用带降落伞。但是想再玩儿一次的话就需要了。
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
一个男人领着一个小男孩走进森林。小男孩抬头对他说：“先生，这里越来越黑了，我好怕。”男人回答说：“那你想过我的感受吗？我还得一个人走回去。”
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."
最近，一项新的重大研究发现，人类吃香蕉比猴子还要多。雀食。我已经记不起来自己上次吃猴子是什么时候了。
Turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
随着老去，我想起了这一路来失去的人们。或许当导游不是个正确的选择。
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
我今天做了新冠检测，结果显示50。这是啥意思？还有，我的智商检测结果也出来了，是阳性。
I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean? Also, my IQ test came back positive.
老婆和我在餐厅吃饭，服务员开始挑逗我。我老婆就说：“这姑娘肯定得新冠了。”我问：“为什么呢？”老婆说：“因为她一点品味(味觉)都没有。”
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste."
今天真是糟糕的一天。我的前任被公交车撞了。而我丢掉了公交车司机的工作！
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!
昨天我把丈母娘给送走了。当狙击手真特么的爽！
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning. Being a sniper is awesome.
孤儿自拍叫什么？全家福。
What do you call an orphan taking a selfie? A family photo.
我很震惊(被电到了)，这吐司机竟然不防水。
I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.
我有一条会跳霹雳舞的鱼！但只能跳20秒，而且就能跳一回。
I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
我和女朋友分手了，于是我就偷走了她的轮椅，猜猜谁爬着回来找我了？
I broke up with my girlfriend so I stole her wheelchair and guess who came crawling back.
妈妈快要不行了，而我们却记不清她的血型。在弥留之际，她不停的叮嘱我们“要乐观(B型Rh阳性)”，但她都不在了，我们又怎么可能做得到。
My mom died when we couldn't remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it's hard without her.
为什么孤儿的日历上一年只有363天？他们没有父亲节和母亲节。
Why are there only 363 days in an orphans calendar？ They don’t have fathers or Mother’s Day.
俩黑人在街上走，然后看到一个牌子写着，想要变白吗？只要75块钱。
黑人1：“你觉得这玩意儿管用吗？”
黑人2：“只有试试才知道。”
黑人1：“但我只有50块。”
黑人2：“我有100块，我先去试试管用不，然后把剩下来的钱给你用。”
黑人1：“行啊，就这么整。”
黑人2走了进去，15分钟后走了出来，身上穿着一套崭新的西服，手里提着一个公文包，皮肤白的吓人。
黑人1：“卧槽，还真特么管用啊！快把剩下的25块钱给我。”
黑人2：“去你码的黑鬼，找份工作去吧。”
Two blacks are walking down the street and see a sign that says turn white for $75.
Black1: "Do you think it will work?
Black2: "Only one way to find out."
Black1: "I only have $50."
Black2: "Well, I have $100, I'll go do it then give you my change."
Black1: "Let's do it then."
Black2 goes in and fifteen minutes later comes out white as a ghost, wearing a brand new suit and carrying briefcase.
Black1: "Holy shit, it actually worked! Let me get that $25."
Black2: "Fuck you, nigger. Get a job."
我问威尔士朋友有过多少床伴。他就开始跟我数，但很快就睡着了。
I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting but he fell asleep.
《每日邮报》在网上说：“自慰有助于预防感冒”。希望如此，我可一张纸巾都不剩了。
Daily Mail online: "Masturbation may help prevent the common cold." Hope so, I've got no tissues left
在图书馆，一个黑人兄弟问我，彩色(有色)打印机在哪里。
我说：“哥们儿，现在已经是2022年了，随便你想用什么打印机都没问题的。”
A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was.
I replied, "Mate, it's 2022, you can use any printer you want."
一张普通的沙发秒变沙发床只需要简单的一步：忘了你老婆的生日是哪天。
Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife's birthday.
一名牧师犯了心脏病，被紧急送到了医院。他醒来后发现自己正躺在轮床上，两名护士脚步匆忙的推着他在医院中穿梭。
“我这是在天堂吗？”迷糊中的牧师问道。
“不是，”一名护士回答说，“我们只是从儿科病房抄个近道。”
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."