内心之光
今天，我问老公我们是否能重新点燃曾经的激情，再次恢复彼此内在自我的联系之类的。他困惑的看着我，然后笑着说：“你是说我们可以恢复刚交了？整这些拐弯抹角的。”FML
Today, I asked my husband if we could rekindle some of our old intimacy, get back in touch with each other’s inner selves, that sort of thing. He looked confused, then got a big smile and said, “You mean we can do anal again? Why didn’t you just say so?” FML

速度与激怒
今天，我又一次不得不因为缴械过快而向气的摔门而去的约会对象道歉。我就是不懂，我身材又好，又不看毛片儿，甚至还接受过治疗，但怎么还是会像个毫无经验的雏儿那样坚持不到15秒就喷薄而出呢？FML
Today, I once again had to apologise to a date for cumming too fast as they stormed out the door angry at me. I don’t get it, I’m in shape, I don’t watch porn, and I’ve even had therapy, so why can’t I last longer than 15 seconds before busting my load like an inexperienced teen? FML

正经生意
今天，我的一位面试官觉得太过无聊透顶，竟用我的简历叠了架纸飞机。FML
Today, one of my interviewers got so bored, he made a paper airplane out of my résumé. FML

报警
今天，我甩了男朋友。他的反应竟然是在我上班时跑到我家绑架了我的狗。他发来一张照片，他正拿着一块巧克力挨着狗狗的嘴巴，威胁我说要是不和他复合，他就让狗吃巧克力。我答应了他，因为我不能没有狗狗。FML
Today, I dumped my boyfriend. He responded with kidnapping my dog while I was at work. He texted me a picture of him holding a piece of chocolate to his mouth, threatening to feed it to him if I didn’t get back with him. I took him back because I can’t bear my life without my dog. FML

不安
今天，家里还有一间房空着，老婆说让我决定，我决定把它打造成家庭健身房。打那之后她就不停地嚷着什么“男权饮食文化”和“不切实际的身材期望”。我只想让身材变得紧实些。FML
Today, I dumped my boyfriend. He responded with kidnapping my dog while I was at work. He texted me a picture of him holding a piece of chocolate to his mouth, threatening to feed it to him if I didn’t get back with him. I took him back because I can’t bear my life without my dog. FML

哦漏！
今天，我和老公到夏威夷度蜜月。家人决定给我们一个惊喜，他们也加入了这场蜜月之旅。FML
Today, I went on my honeymoon to Hawaii. My family decided to surprise my new husband and I by joining us on our vacation. FML

港湾
今天，我被卷入了一场车祸。当我把这事儿跟男朋友说了以后，他更感兴趣的是中午吃什么。FML
Today, I was involved in a car crash. When I told him, my boyfriend was more interested in what he was going to have for lunch. FML

政治正确已经魔怔了
今天，就因为我送女儿一辆自行车当生日礼物，老婆就威胁要离开我，说我这是在“身体羞辱”我们的女儿。我买这自行车是因为女儿她墨迹了我好几个月了。FML
Today, my wife threatened to leave me for "bodyshaming" our daughter by giving her a bicycle for her birthday. I bought her a bike because she's been asking for one for months. FML

没特权
今天，警察让我靠边停车。这位警官看起来很面熟。原来是我很久都没有联系过的亲戚。我俩好好儿的拉了拉家常。但他还是开了罚单。FML
Today, I was pulled over. The cop seemed very familiar. Turns out he was a relative of mine whom I haven't spoken to in a very long time. We had decent conversation and caught up. He still gave me a ticket. FML

不是你的错
今天，我不得不向一位顾客解释，为什么他从未住过我们酒店，但卡上却有这里的消费记录。显然他老婆是我们这里的常客。我总觉得自己破坏了他们的家庭。FML
Today, I had to explain to a customer how our hotel charged his card, even though he has never stayed with us. Apparently his wife is a regular customer. I can't help but feel like a homewrecker. FML

四子棋
今天，我跟一个明显对我有意思的基佬下了一小时的四子棋。当他问我要不要去他家里做做的时候，我跟他说我是直男，而且有老婆了。他就问我为什么还跟他下这么久，于是我就跟他说：“因为我老婆四子棋下的贼烂。”他骂我光撩不负责，然后转身离去。FML
Today, I played Connect Four with a gay guy who was clearly hitting on me for an hour. When he asked why I didn’t want to go to his place, I told him that I’m straight and married. He asked why I played with him for so long, so I told him, “My wife sucks at Connect Four.” He called me a cocktease and left. FML

他是块璞玉
今天，我发现老公一直在背着我和治疗我癌症的那位护士调情约会。他承认自己需要一个健康的伴侣，而不是“一年到头生病的”。他还狡辩说：“你迟早要死，到时候我怎么办？”FML
Today, I found out my husband has been flirting with and dating behind my back the nurse who treats my cancer. He admitted that he needs someone healthy and not someone who’s “gonna be sick all the time.” He also attempted to justify it by saying, “You’re gonna die anyway and then what am I gonna do?” FML

做梦
今天，女朋友把我叫醒，说：“早啊宝贝儿！从现在开始我们就是严格素食者啦！”FML
Today, my girlfriend woke me up by saying, "Good morning! We're going to be vegans from now on." FML

爱的语言
今天，我老公出差已经一周了。他发给我的唯一一条信息是：“今天我没拉屎。”FML
Today, my husband has been out of town for a week. The only text I've got from him was, "I didn't take a poop today." FML

金童
今天，我妈、我爸、我弟全都特别喜欢我男朋友，都快把他当亲生的了。只要他来家里，那他得到的爱比我还多。我想跟他分手已经有段时间了，因为我和他真的不合适。但我知道，要是真分了，那全家都得闹翻天，一天到晚墨迹我和他复合。FML
Today, my mom, dad, and little brother all adore my boyfriend, and treat him like a son. When he’s here, he gets more family love than I do. I’ve wanted to dump him for weeks because we’re really not working out, but I know that if I do my entire family will pitch a fit, and bug me to take him back FML

轻重缓急
今天，我开始出现胸痛、气短。我觉得可能是要犯心脏病了，就让老公送我去医院。他让我等等，因为他刚点完披萨。FML
Today, I started having chest pains and shortness of breath. I thought I was having a heart attack and I asked my husband to take me to the hospital. He told me to wait because he'd just ordered a pizza. FML

有用处的傻子
今天，男朋友甩了我。他说本来打算半个月前甩的，但是因为他的车坏了还在修，这段时间出门需要有人载他。FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me. He said he would have done it two weeks ago but he needed someone to drive him around while his car was getting repaired. FML

诈骗
今天，我因为收了一张100英镑的假钞被经理逼逼了半天。这是一张真钞，他就是不相信有人会拿这么大面额的来肯德基花。当我反驳时，他更过分了，要从我的工资里扣掉这笔“利润损失”。这货就是个人渣。FML
Today, my boss bitched me out for accepting a fake £100 note. It was a genuine note, but he couldn't believed someone would actually use such a note at a KFC. When I protested, he took it further and deducted the “lost profits” from my pay. The man is an asshole. FML

爱是盲目的
今天，我终于想起来女朋友在戴眼镜时像谁了：《宋飞正传》里的纽曼。回不去了，彻底回不去了。FML
Today, I finally figured out who my girlfriend reminds me of when she wears her glasses: the character Newman from Seinfeld. I can't unsee it. FML

蟹蟹，我不可以
今天，我去冲浪。我的一个教练走向我，然后跟我说另外一个帅逼教练没有女朋友。被提到的那个教练突然扭脸说：“要是你想让我和她好，我是可以滴。”FML
Today, I went surfing. One of my instructors came up to me and told me that the other, good looking, instructor didn't have a girlfriend. Who then turned around and said, "I do if you are trying to set me up with her." FML

多喝水
今天，孩子腹泻严重。老公说他要出门给孩子买药。痛苦漫长的两小时后，我发现他出门是去跟朋友们吃饭闲唠。FML
Today, my kid has severe diarrhoea. My husband said he was going out to get medicine. Two long, painful hours later, I find he's out eating and chilling with his friends. FML

晚上聊
今天，我和男朋友做了第二次。他人真的很奈斯，但床上功夫却烂的不行。我一次高潮还没到呢，人家已经放完三次炮了，而且还不会用手指弥补。他的前戏也是垃圾。我开始对他失去感觉了，因为实在是太缺乏性生活满意度了。FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the second time. He's really nice, but he's terrible in bed. He busted a nut 3 times before I could orgasm once, and he can't finger to make up for it. His foreplay is trash. I'm starting to lose feelings for him because of the lack of sexual satisfaction. FML

不打自招啊，哥们儿
今天，我手机没电了，于是就借我老公的用。他回答说：“你不是有充电器吗，充电呗。”我就提醒他说我们这是在外面呢，结果他当着商店里所有人的面吼我说：“我可不会让你翻我的手机，没得商量！”FML
Today, I asked my husband to borrow his phone, since mine had died. His response was, “Well, you have a charger, use it.” When I reminded him that we weren’t at home, he screamed at me in front of everyone at the store, “I’m not letting you go through my phone and that’s final!” FML

我是一个粉刷匠
今天，我流鼻血的时候突然想打喷嚏。现在整间卧室就像是罪案现场。FML
Today, I had a sneeze attack while my nose was bleeding. Now my living room looks like a crime scene. FML

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