团队协作
今天，同事让我帮某人代课，因为他们的排球队有训练。都2年了，他们还没发现我也在排球队里。FML
Today, I was asked to cover work for someone because they have volleyball practice. Apparently, they haven't noticed that we've been on the same team for two years. FML

出去
今天，在失业了3个月后，我收到了一份面试邀请。这是份为期3个月的短期合同，从家去上班要3个小时。我男朋友的反应则是让我搬出去住，顺便带着我们的仓鼠一起。FML
Today, I got offered an interview for a job after months of unemployment. It's a three-month contract, three hours away from where we live. My boyfriend's reaction was to tell me to move out and take our hamster with me. FML

啥东西坏了
今天，公司怀疑有燃气泄漏把燃气公司给叫过来了。天然气管道都正常。昨儿晚上我吃了白色城堡。我才是泄漏点。FML
Today, the gas company had to be called into work for a possible gas leak. The pipes are fine. I had White Castle for dinner last night. I'm the gas leak. FML

矮人女王
今天，是我36岁的生日。我男朋友还有一大堆朋友、家人还有他们的孩子为我庆生。在场的所有人都比我个儿高，就连朋友的10岁儿子也不例外。FML
Today, it's my 36th birthday. My boyfriend and I celebrated with a big group of our friends, our families, and their kids. Everyone there was taller than me, including my friend's 10 year-old son. FML

标准烂人
今天，一名顾客朝着我大吼大叫，就因为我给她了个皱皱巴巴的购物袋。我们这儿就是个零售店，所有的购物袋都是这种廉价塑料袋。我又给了她仨袋子，她还是不肯罢休。 FML
Today, a customer yelled at me because I gave her a wrinkled bag. I work in retail, and the bags are all cheap plastic. She wouldn't stop, even when I gave her three different bags. FML

难题
今天，一个4岁的孩子说了个我不认识的词儿。我还特意去查了查啥意思。FML
Today, a four-year-old said a word that I didn't know the meaning of. I had to look up the definition. FML

盗亦有道儿
今天，化疗把我折磨的够呛，在火车站我甚至没力气爬楼梯。是另一名乘客扶着我爬上了楼梯，我很感激他，直到我发现这孙子其实是小偷儿。他在楼梯上顺走了我的钱包、手机、耳机还有金手镯。FML
Today, my chemotherapy has knocked me so I couldn’t even climb stairs at the train station. Another passenger helped me to the top, which I was so grateful for until I realised he was a pickpocket. On one staircase he got away with my wallet, phone, earphones, and gold bracelet. FML

去XX的姥姥，孩子们？
今天，我在妈妈的葬礼上心烦意乱的，完全没心情关心周围的情况。不知道什么时候，我的孩子们把我手机的铃声改成了“叮咚~老巫婆死啦”，还把我手机的音量调到了最大。在我为妈妈致悼词的时候，他们拨通了我的电话。FML
Today, I was so distraught during my mother’s funeral that I hadn’t been paying attention to anything around me. At some point, my kids changed my ringtone to “Ding dong the witch is dead” and turned my phone to full volume. They called while I was doing her eulogy. FML

双输局面
今天，我买了件上衣，还有一堆其他的东西。上厕所的时候突然拉肚子了，但是马桶旁一丁点儿厕纸都没有了。我不得不用购物小票擦了屁股。完事儿才想起来店员还没把刚买的上衣给我，我需要那张小票才能取到上衣。FML
Today, I bought a top, along with some other things. I went to the restroom and had diarrhea, but there was no toilet paper in the stall. I had to use the receipt from the store. I then realized the clerk hadn't put the top in the bag. I needed that receipt to get the top. FML

整蛊地狱
今天，我结婚了。我是犹太人，我们的婚礼传统是要在给新娘戴上戒指之后踩碎一只玻璃杯。我哥为了整蛊我，把玻璃杯换成了橡胶的。我脚下一滑摔了个仰八叉。FML
Today, I got married. I'm Jewish, and it's traditional to break a glass cup by stepping on it after giving the bride her ring. My brother thought it would be funny to replace the glass cup with a rubber one. I slipped and fell flat on my back. FML

躲过一劫
今天，在漫展上我看到了一位coser，cos的是我最爱游戏里的一个角色，还原度超高。我夸她道具服做的很厉害，还跟她合了影。后来，女朋友骂我是劈腿的变态，还跟我分手了。FML
Today, at a Con, I saw a girl in an impressive cosplay of a character from one of my favorite video games. I complimented her on her costume and got a picture with her. Later, my girlfriend called me a cheating creep and broke up with me. FML

一个也不能跑
今天，我妹又给我做了“爱心”早餐。是一大碗燕麦片，分别是10%的燕麦和90%的巧克力酱。自从一个月前我们的检查结果出来以后她就开始了。她和妹夫被查出来是糖尿病，他们的孩子是早期糖尿病，而我却一点毛病都没有。FML
Today, my sister made me a "hearty" breakfast. It was a large bowl of oatmeal which consisted of 10% raw oats and 90% Nutella. This started ever since our medical tests results came out about a month ago. She and her husband registered as diabetics, their son is pre-diabetic, and I came out clean as can be. FML

宝贝儿，我不是故意的
今天，我想亲下孩子的手指，让她的伤口好受些，结果没整好给她来了一记头槌。FML
Today, instead of kissing my child's boo-boo on her finger to make it feel better, I accidentally headbutted her. FML

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