警方表示，就演员马修·派瑞死亡一案已拘捕了5人。

艹，你还觉得自己知道谁是你的“老友”……

注：马修·派瑞在《老友记》中饰演钱钱
Five arrests made in death of actor Matthew Perry, police say.

Fuck me, you think you know who your Friends are... ---niggerfarage

今天我拉了条巨黑的屎，黑到它在被我菊花夹断前就在填福利申请表了。
I dropped a turd that black this morning it was filling a benefits form in before it left my arse.---rejectdog

我瞅见个吸血鬼正在抱着一个领养老金的人吸血。

“Oi！”我嚷道，“我还以为你们这些不死族没法在大白天出来呢？”

“不死族？”他说，“别冒傻气了，我是基尔·斯塔默(现任英国首相)。”
I saw this vampire sucking the blood out of a pensioner.

"Oy! " I shouted. "I thought you undead couldn't feed in the sunlight?"

"Undead?" he replied, "Don't be stupid, I’m Kier Starmer." ---theancient

我90岁的老妈去做老年痴呆评估。
医生问她：“谁是英国首相？”
我妈回答：“是个傻逼。”
但这回答没啥意义，因为每一任都是。
My 90 year old mum was being assessed for dementia.
The doctor said "who's the prime minister?"
She said "he's a cunt"
But that's not really helpful as they
all are. ---stickagain

我爸曾经对我说过，一个男人只有在结婚后才能明白真正的幸福是什么。

不过，等到那时就已经晚了。
My dad once told me that a man doesn't know what true happiness is until he gets married.

And by then it's far too late.---theancient

为什么母鸡要过马路？

因为它终于接受了自己无论如何也逃离不了刻板印象。
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it finally accepted it would never escape the stereotype.--scotty

我在女朋友家过夜，但是她的爸爸不想我们睡一起。

我只好和女朋友睡一起了。
I slept over at my girlfriend's house but her father didn't want us to sleep together.

So I had to sleep with my girlfriend.---stallion

在我挥手告别时，老婆问：“孩子们这是去干吗？”

我回答说：“我让他们去上学。”

她讶异地说：“可学校下周才开学呢啊。”

“我知道啊，”我说，“我已经嘱咐他们走慢点了。”
As I waved them goodbye my wife said,

"Where are the kids going?"

"I've sent them to off to school, " I replied,

"But it doesn't start until next week, " she answered. "

"I know, " I said, "I've told them to walk slowly. "---rejectdog

黑人女孩如何抗击犯罪？

堕胎。

How does a black girl fight crime?
She gets an abortion---evanc7

在认识我老婆之前，我又抑郁又痛苦。可她扭转了这一局面。
现在的我又痛苦又抑郁。

Before I met my wife, I was depressed and miserable. She's really turned that round, I'm now miserable and depressed. ---stickagain

现在的孩子什么都特么不知道！
他们连尼尔·阿姆斯特朗是谁都不知道，更别提他吹的哪种喇叭了。

Kids today know absolutely fuck all!
They don't even know who Neil Armstrong is never mind what type of trumpet he played---andyfreak

附赠一则不好翻译的原文
Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girlfriend?
You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.

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