我老婆抱怨家里的吸尘器坏了，老有尖锐的噪声，而且还不吸了。

她问我：“你知道这东西哪儿出问题了吗？”

“知道，”我回答她，“可能它结婚了吧。”
My wife was complaining that the vac was making a terrible whining noise and wasn't sucking,

"Any idea what's wrong with it?" she asked.

"Yeah," I replied, "it probably got married. " ---rejectdog

上帝先是告诉我们，去吧，去繁衍吧。

然后又告诉我们不要通奸。

之后，一名处女生下了祂的儿子。

就我个人而言，我真的觉得祂根本不知道自己在讲三小。

First God tells us to go forth and multiply.

Then he tells us not to commit adultery.

Then a virgin gives birth to his son.

Personally, I really don't think he has a fucking clue what he's talking about.---rejectdog

老婆：“我真不敢相信你竟然出去叫鸡。”

老公：“那我能怎么办？我们已经好几个月没有做了……”

老婆：“你早点说你愿意掏钱啊。”
Wife: "I can't believe you went to a prostitute to have sex."

Husband: "What did you expect? We'd been doing nothing for months..."

Wife: "You could have told me you were willing to pay." ---irishstoo

我更喜欢有字幕的A片，这样我就能弄明白动物们在说些什么了。
I prefer porn with subtitles, that way I can figure out what the animals are saying.---dipdipdogshit

华盛顿一名3岁的小男孩掉进邻居家的化粪池里溺亡。

好在他没被亲妈抓住，要不得被打个半屎。
Three year old boy drowns after falling into neighbour's nearly full septic tank in Washington.

It's a good thing his mum didn't catch him or he'd have been in deep shit.---fishncushion

在征兵处：

“说说你为什么想要加入我们英国陆军？”

“我想要手刃绿绿，然后把他们的国家炸个稀巴烂。”

“这样啊？孩子，我们可是英军，我们只在被袭击的时候才会反击保家卫国的。我们可不会无差别的在他们的国家里屠杀。你需要加入的是美军。”
At the recruiting office:

"Tell me in your own words why you want to join the British army? "

"I want to kill Muslims and bomb fuck out of their shithole countries. "

"Really? son, this is the British army, we only fight when we are attacked to uphold our way of life. We just don't kill and indiscriminately bomb Muslim countries. You'll need to join the American army for that. "--rejectdog

最近，一些性别变幻莫测的左翼学生跑去加沙当地表示支持。

他们的代词现在变成了：过去式。
Recently, some left-wing, gender-fluid students went to Gaza to show their support for the cause.

Their pronouns are now: was/were.---universalcredit

昨儿晚上是周年纪念日，我带着老婆出去下馆子庆祝，她不停地说这次她买单。

我说你特妈倒是早说啊，咱们这都跑出半条街了，还是接着跑吧。
I took the missis out for an anniversary dinner last night and she kept saying she wanted to pay for the meal.

I said it's too fucking late now we're halfway down the street just keep running. ---stemeister99

“你是疯了吗？整个伊甸园都是咱们的，你还想让我造反，整个园子里就那棵树不让咱们碰，你还想让我摘那树上的果子吃？夏娃，真抱歉，你无论如何也不可能让我和造物主对着干。”

就在那一刻，世界上第一次咬诞生了。

"Are you stupid? We have all this paradise and you want me to rebel and eat the fruit of the only tree we have been instructed not to touch? I'm sorry Eve, there's nothing you can ever do that will make me go against our creators instructions. "

It was at that point that the worlds first blow job occurred.---rejectdog

英国商务和贸易大臣Kemi Badenoch说：“我出生在一个中产家庭。但是从我16岁在麦当劳打工后，我成为了工人阶级。”

我：我买了个哈罗德百货的购物袋，现在我上了性犯罪者名单。

注：哈罗德百货前任老板性丑闻案

Kemi Badenoch: "I grew up in a middle class family. But I became working class when I was 16 working in McDonalds".

Me: I bought a Harrods bag now I'm on the sex offenders list.---weaverdog

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