晚安玛卡巴卡
今天，我妹负责用吸尘器打扫卫生，然后说：“咱家这仓鼠的背上有点儿灰啊。”FML
Today, my little sister was in charge of doing the vacuuming, when she decided our hamster had "dust on his back". FML

上帝之声
今天，邻居因为我一大早就开车出门破口大骂，说什么“一个敬畏上帝的体面人”根本不可能在“恶魔干邪恶勾当”的黑暗中出行。我是一名牧师，我是要去为今天早上的一场葬礼做准备。这可能是最不邪恶的事情了。FML
Today, my neighbour shouted at me for starting my car early in the morning because "a decent, God-fearing man" has no business going places in the dark "when Satan is about his wicked business." I’m a priest and I have a funeral to prepare for this morning. That's about as un-Satan like as you can get. FML

你说啥？
今天，我老公火急火燎把我送到医院，然后医生告知我们说我流产了。我俩压根儿不知道我有孕在身了。FML
Today, my husband rushed me to the hospital, and we were told that I'd had a miscarriage. Neither of us knew I was pregnant. FML

过去的余波
今天，我在上班时收到一份传真，我就去问老板这个该给谁。他回答说：“圆的那个。”于是我就把传真拿给了圆润的项目经理。原来老板指的是垃圾桶，而不是我那个胖同事。我现在成了办公室里的混蛋。FML
Today, a fax came in at work for a specific job, and I asked the owner of the company who it was for. He replied, "The round one", so I handed it to our rotund Project Manager. Apparently the owner meant the garbage can, not my fat co-worker. Now I'm the asshole of the office. FML

腐败无处不在
今天，一名学生冲着我骂“去你X的！”我把这事儿上报给了领导，还有这名学生的家长，这家长也是我们学校的老师。领导说这不是什么大事儿，没必要上纲上线的。现在我领导没事儿就来我的班上吧令我，大概是因为他跟那家长俩人是酒友吧。FML
Today, a student told me to "F*** off!" I reported it to my boss and the student's parent, who is also a teacher at the school. My boss deemed it a minor issue and said we wouldn't be following discipline policy. Now, my boss frequently visits my classroom to bully me, likely due to the two of them being drinking buddies. FML

冒名顶替综合征？
今天，在我的老板感谢我一如既往的“靠谱”后，我向她坦言说我一直非常焦虑，生怕让她失望，继而丢了这份工作。即便她再三强调绝对不会开除我，可那种感觉还是挥散不去。我想我该去看看心理医生了。FML
Today, after my boss thanked me for being so "reliable" all the time, I confessed to her that I have really bad anxiety, which has given me a crippling fear of disappointing her and ending up jobless. Even after reassuring me that she would never do that, the feeling is still there. I think I need therapy. FML

难忘的一夜
今天，我打算在晚餐时当着女友家人的面向她求婚。。我掏出了戒指，单膝跪地。她立马儿捧腹大笑道：“你开玩笑的吧？”她的家人沉默的盯着我，然后我突然就意识到她是在逗我……直到我起身时撞翻了一饭桌的饮品。FML
Today, I planned to propose to my girlfriend in front of her family at dinner. I had the ring ready and got down on one knee. She immediately burst into laughter and said, "Are you kidding?" The family stared in silence, and I quickly realised she was just teasing me... until I stood up and knocked over an entire table of drinks. FML

证据
今天，我指责我儿子装病。然后就被他吐了一身。FML
Today, I accused my son of faking being sick. He then blew chunks all over me. FML

不欢迎回家
今天，我爸妈新养了一条狗。每当我笑的时候就会攻击我。FML
Today, my parents got a new dog. It attacks me every time I laugh. FML

大喷特喷
今天，我老公的一根息肉肯定爆开了，因为他睡觉时放屁崩了我一腿和一床单的血，我还以为他要死了。救护车把他拉走了，可女儿看到了我们屋里的血迹，现在哭个不停。FML
Today, one of the polyps in my husband's ass apparently burst because he farted in his sleep and sprayed blood all over the sheets and my legs, I thought he was dying. The ambulance took him away, but our daughter saw all the blood in our room and now won’t stop crying. FML

又饥渴又愚蠢
今天，我发现老公在网上假装成一名年轻的双性恋女人。更傻逼的是，在我跟他说他勾搭的那些“年轻的双性恋女人”可能一样都是中年男人时，他大发雷霆并拒绝相信。FML
Today, I found out my husband pretends to be a young, bisexual woman online. As if that isn't bad enough, he flipped out and didn't believe me when I told him the other "young, bisexual women" he's been beating it to are probably middle-aged men too. FML

反正成了
今天，我才知道高中就辍学的父母是如何把我们三个孩子拉扯大的。簧片。数量叹为观止的家庭自制簧片。FML
Today, I found out how my high school dropout parents were able to support three children. Porn. A truly awe inspiring amount of homemade porn. FML

黑人问号.jpg
今天，我老公又跑到我姐的房间里了(我姐老公去世后就一直跟我们住)，还声称他是在安慰她。他把房门反锁了，里面还传出了呻吟声，但他们坚称那声音是她因亡夫在哀泣。就因为我质疑了他们，还被骂是“自私鬼”。FML
Today, my husband once again went to my sister’s room (she's been living with us since her husband passed away) and claims he’s comforting her. He locks the door and there are moaning noises, but they insist that it’s her crying for her dead husband. They called me “selfish” for me questioning their motives. FML

标地盘
今天，我终于把我的男神给睡了。他出门上班后，我在床单当中间儿发现了一条20公分的屎印子。看来，我的男神不爱用厕纸。FML
Today, I finally slept with the man of my dreams. After he left for work, I found a six-inch skid mark smack dab in the middle of my sheets. Apparently, the man of my dreams doesn't believe in toilet paper. FML

纠结
今天，我再一次被迫听着老公和小三在我们的床上瞎搞，而我却只能睡在客厅的沙发上。我是移民过来的，绿卡也是靠他才拿到的。如果我跟他离婚，移民局会认为我是假结婚，然后把我遣返回国。FML
Today, I once again had to listen to my husband and the girl he’s cheating on me with have sex in our bed, all while I sleep on the couch in the living room. I’m an immigrant and got my Green Card through him. If I divorce him, Immigration will think the marriage was fraudulent and I’ll be deported back to my country. FML

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