你可真敢说啊？
今天，我去车祸现场急救。有一名女性伤者，可她哭个没完，我们什么也问不出。我拿起对讲机就报备道“……伤者为一名30多岁的女性，预计10分钟送达。”哭声戛然而止，她甩手就给了我一巴掌，说：“我才28！”FML
Today, I was the paramedic at the scene of a car accident. One lady was hurt, and we had trouble getting any information from her as she was sobbing. I radioed in the details and said "...a lady in her mid 30's, ETA 10 minutes." She stopped crying, slapped me, and said, "I'm 28." FML

难听但占理
今天，在开了几周的Uber后，我发现自己的评级老往下掉。我点开乘客评价想看看怎么个事儿，其中有条1星评价声称是“机械故障”。理由是：“他开的是辆福特。”FML
Today, after working for Uber for a few weeks I realized that my driver rating was dropping. After looking into it, one of the 1-star ratings claimed "mechanical problems". The description of the reason, "He drives a Ford." FML

难缠新娘太可怕
今天，在我们的婚礼上，老婆冲着她的侄女大发雷霆，只因为她穿了条白裙子。她侄女才4岁。FML
Today, at our wedding, my wife screamed at her niece and made a big scene about her wearing a white dress. Her niece is four. FML

有跨性别那味儿了
今天，我催我那跨性别的女儿去洗澡，结果把她整哭了。我爱她，而且打心底支持她敢在美国公开出柜的勇气，但她的卫生习惯实在是太没治了。她身上那味儿闻起来就像是堆脏了吧唧的护裆，还老跟我说什么：“女孩子才不会臭！”FML
Today, I made my trans daughter cry when I asked her to shower. I love her and full-throatily support her incredible courage for coming out as trans in the USA, but her hygiene has gone to hell. She smells like a pile of dirty jockstraps and keeps saying, "Women don't stink!" FML

我只是个打工仔
今天，是我在图书馆上班的第一天。我期待的是有趣儿又祥和的一天，而不是报警去抓一个正在朝着书打飞机的人啊。FML
Today, it was my first day working at a library. I expected it to be fun and peaceful, not to end up having to call the cops on a guy who started jerking off into a book. FML

以牙还牙
今天，马上就要成为前妻的老婆发现我真没骗她，我确实没出过轨。于是她就想破镜重圆，我也跟她说了，离婚程序已经到这份儿上就没有回头的可能，而且我们的婚姻也已无可救药。然后她说会申请孩子无探视权的完全监护权。FML
Today, my my soon to be ex-wife found out I was telling the truth and never cheated. She wanted to get back together but I told her that we're too far into the divorce proceedings to turn back, and there's just no fixing our marriage. She then told me she's filing for full custody with no visitation rights. FML

你说啥？
今天，太阳打西边升起来了，我竟然接到了前女友的电话。我们聊起了之前的日子，一聊就是几个钟头。这算是我俩聊的最开心的一次，让我很想她，也很怀念我俩在一起的时光。今天晚些时候，她又给我电话问我们之前聊了啥。她当时太high了一点印象都没有。FML
Today, I had a rare phone call from my ex-girlfriend. We ended up talking for hours about old times. It was the best conversation we have had in forever, it made me miss her and miss us. Later on in the day, she called back asking what we talked about. She was too high too remember. FML

自命不凡
今天，我无意中听到男朋友说我是个“漂亮但愚蠢的小妞”，因为我喜欢恐怖电影和喜剧电影，对他那些伪知识分子戏剧类不感冒。我有两个学位，目前正在考第三个，而他一个都没有，还因为电影的原因认为他比我更聪明。FML
Today, I overheard my boyfriend refer to me as a “pretty but dumb chick” because I like horror movies and comedies over his boring pseudo intellectual dramas. I literally have two degrees and I'm working on a third, while he has neither, yet he thinks he’s smarter than me because of movies. FML

目标
今天，我正式结束了减肥计划。之前威胁说要是不减肥就离婚的老婆却说，她发现自己还是更喜欢我胖胖的时候，还有“拥有时不珍惜，失去时才后悔莫及。”FML
Today, I officially completed my weight loss journey, only for my wife, who'd previously threatened to divorce me if I didn't lose weight, to tell me that she realized she liked me better when I was fat and that "you don't know what you have until it's gone." FML

巨婴
今天，是我老公原定做膝盖手术的日子，但他“太害怕”，根本不想踏出家门，无论我和婆婆怎么劝都没用。现在好了，他想要接受手术还要再等上半年，我当初为了照顾他请的三周假也没法撤销了。FML
Today, my husband was supposed to have knee surgery but he wouldn't leave the house because he "got scared" no matter what I and even my mother-in-law tried to do. Now he can't have it for another six months and I took three weeks off work to help him that I can't cancel. FML

傻缺
今天，有一傻缺闯红灯嗖一下撞上了我的车，差点把我也给送走。我下车去看他有事儿没，没想到他的第一句话是：“希望你上保险了”。FML
Today, some genius shot through a red light, hitting my car and nearly killing me. When I went to ask if he was okay, the first words out of his mouth were, "I hope you have insurance". FML

优雅
今天，谈了4个月的男朋友用短信跟我分手……还把我的名字给打错了。FML
Today, my boyfriend of four months broke up with me via text message. He spelled my name wrong. FML

谁能想到
今天，我看见老师在上课时在那儿抠手机，寻思跟她关系挺好，就打趣道：“上课玩儿手机？羞羞羞！”她抬起头盯着我，问道：“要是我在安排父亲的葬礼是不是就不羞了？”。FML
Today, I saw my teacher using her phone in the middle of class, so to joke around with her, seeing as we're on pretty good terms, I said: "Using your phone in class? For shame." She looks me in the eyes and says, "Would it be OK if I told you I'm arranging my father's funeral?" FML

魔法女巫
今天，女朋友说服我在她生理期时和她浴血奋战。期间她半低声半呻吟地反复说着一些我无法理解的古怪词句。事儿后我搜了一下，粗略翻译后大意是“以血为契，永世相恋”。这是在给我下咒啊。FML
Today, my girlfriend convinced me to have sex while she’s on her period. She kept half-whispering, half-moaning weird phrases I didn’t understand. After some googling, it roughly translated to “Bound in blood. Together forever bound by blood.” I think she tried to hex me. FML

社死
今天，我不得不跑到警局接我儿子。他和女朋友在影院最后一排吹喇叭，还觉得这个想法聪明绝顶。可惜影院不但有夜视功能的摄像头、保安大哥，还有一台可以打出高清图片的打印机当呈堂证供。FML
Today, I had to retrieve my son from the police station because him and his girlfriend decided a blowjob in the back row of the cinema was a good idea when they have night vision cameras in there and security guards and a very high definition picture printer for evidence. FML

TMI
今天，一整天儿子说话都怪怪的，我就问他还OK吗？他说头一回给女朋友口，为了让她高潮，埋头苦干时把舌头都给累抽筋儿了，到现在舌头还疼，所以说话时怪怪的。儿子啊，不用啥都事无巨细的跟老妈我说啊。FML
Today, my son has been talking strangely all day so I asked if he was OK. He told me he gave his girlfriend oral for the first time and while trying to “get her there” he went at it so hard, he got tongue cramp, and it still hurts so it’s making him talk weird. As a mom, TMI son. FML