加料不加价
今天，我在吃洋葱贝果时咬到了一块硬东西。期初我还以为是片儿特硬的洋葱，没想到是一颗牙齿，而且不是我的。FML
Today, I was eating an onion bagel and bit down on something hard. At first I thought was a really hard piece of onion. The "onion" turned out to be a tooth, and it wasn't one of mine. FML
恶评
今天，朋友在我上班时顺道来看我，还跟我聊了一会儿。她走后，客户问刚才是不是我女儿。我朋友32岁，我才27啊。FML
Today, while I was working, my friend stopped by and visited with me a moment. After she left, my client asked me if she was my daughter. My friend is 32 and I'm 27. FML
约会即地狱
今天，我和在交友APP上认识的一个小帅哥去约会。他定好了日子，还有见面的地方。我们在一家咖啡店见了面，他特别绅士。约会结束后没过多久，我想给他发信息说这次约会很开心，结果却发现他已经把我拉黑了。FML
Today, I went on a date with this really cute guy from a dating app. He'd set the date and told me where to meet him. We met at a coffee shop, and he was an absolute gentleman. Five minutes after the date, I went to message him that I'd enjoyed myself, only to find he'd blocked me on the app. FML
信息量过大
今天，同事给我看她肛裂的照片。我又不是大夫！FML
Today, my coworker showed me photos of her anal fissures. I'm not a doctor. FML
更好的生活
今天，我得知昨天是我朋友的妈妈在公园里找到的我妹。我妹她有着严重的嗜睡症，当时正浑身脏兮兮的在公园里睡大觉。朋友的妈妈以为她是被遗弃的孩子，于是就领回了自己家。他们家超有钱，当晚还好吃好喝的供着。现在我妹她拒绝“美梦破灭、回归现实”，不愿意和我们回家。FML
Today, I discovered that my friend's mom found my little sister, who is severely narcoleptic, muddy and sleeping in the park yesterday. She thought she was abandoned and took her to their home. They are extremely rich, and was treated royally that night. Now my sister refuses to "wake up to reality" and come home. FML
名声显赫
今天，我去医院探望心爱的丈夫。在路过护士站时，我听见他们在说什么“303病房住的内个王八蛋”。我老公他就……住在303。FML
Today, I went to go visit my beloved husband in the hospital. As I went past the nurses' station, I heard them talking about "the bastard in room 303." I went on to visit my husband… in room 303. FML
我活该
今天，我把儿子所有的游戏还有玩具都给卖了，因为他的成绩单巨差无比。谁知道是学校那边出错了，这张不是他的成绩单。实际上他的分数还挺高的。我试着道歉，但他让我滚犊子。FML
Today, I sold all of my son's games and gadgets because he got a horrible report card. It turned out that the school made some sort of a mistake and it wasn't his actual report card. He actually got great grades. I tried to apologize but he told me to fuck off. FML
好奇害死猫
今天，我怀疑自己可能是双性恋，于是我就登陆Grindr，找了个小帅哥测试测试。测试结果很糟糕，我100%确定自己不是双。悲剧的是即便我说这都是场误会，我对他没性趣，他还是继续对我死缠烂打。FML
Today, I was wondering if I might be bi, so I hopped on Grindr and met up with a cute guy to experiment with. It ended up being so awful that I decided nope, definitely not bi. Unfortunately now he won't leave me alone, even after I told him that I made a mistake and I'm not interested. FML
手工达人
今天，我爸蠢到觉得厕所的洗手池子是个清洗油箱的好地方。现在满屋子都是汽油味儿，我快要晕过去了。FML
Today, my dad was stupid enough to think that the kitchen sink is a good place to clean a gas tank. Now, the whole house smells of gas fumes and I'm about to pass out. FML
我的客户
今天，在法庭上，我让一个孩子免除了牢狱之灾，因为我真心地相信他是无辜的。他和母亲非常开心，他甚至在结束后还拥抱了我。过了一分钟我才意识到，他把我的钥匙顺走了，还偷走了我的车。FML
Today, in court, I got a kid out of a prison sentence because I genuinely believed he was innocent. He and his mom were so happy, he even hugged me afterwards. It took me a minute to realise he'd pick-pocketed my keys and stole my car. FML
我已经过了那个岁数了(也是我一厢情愿)
今天，我发现我怀孕了。我已经53岁了，四个孩子都成年了，还有一个孙子。FML
Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. I'm 53 and I have four grown children and grandchildren. FML
真贴心
今天，我爸决定把胡子刮了。我跟他说别刮，留着多好啊。于是他把刮下来的胡子都塞进了一个玻璃罐，然后搁在了我的房间里。FML
Today, my dad decided to shave his beard. I told him I wanted him to keep it, so he took the shavings, put them in a jar, and left it in my room. FML
蠢儿子
今天，我儿子开车超速，警察让他停车。他觉得警察在扯淡，于是就一脚油门。开出去还没800米，他的车就失控地撞向了一栋房子。现在好了，房主起诉了我，儿子坐了牢，我的车也彻底报废了。FML
Today, my son got pulled over by a cop for speeding. He decided it was bullshit and floored the gas. He barely made it half a mile before losing control and crashing into a house. Now I'm being sued by the homeowner, my son is in jail, and my car is totaled. FML
啥声儿啊？
今天，我腿骨折了，手指断了四根，肋骨裂了，脑震荡外加感染造成的发烧。半夜两点，我老婆听见声儿动静，还是逼着我拎根棍子下楼看看是不是家里遭贼了。FML
Today, I have a broken leg, four broken fingers, a cracked rib, a concussion, and an infection fever, and my wife still sent me downstairs with a bat to check for burglars when she heard a noise at 2 a.m. FML
老混蛋
今天，我爸可能死了。之所以这么说，是因为他最近没有像平时那样给我打电话用语言凌辱我。我小时候他动不动就打我，可现在我又有点担心这个老混蛋了。FML
Today, my dad might be dead. I'm basing this solely on the fact that he hasn't called recently to verbally abuse me as he often does. He constantly beat me as a child, yet now I'm kind of worried for the piece of shit. FML
背景噪音
今天，同学往脸书上传了一段我们最近上的课程的录音，这样我们在家也能重听一次并做笔记了。几分钟后，我听到了自己提了一个问题，接着就听到一个女生轻蔑地哼了一声，然后低声喃喃道：“蠢婊子”。FML
Today, a classmate posted a recording of a recent lecture on my university's Facebook page, so we could listen again and take notes at home. A few minutes in, I heard myself asking a question. I then heard snorting and some girl muttering "dumb cunt" under her breath. FML
