丰满真挺好
今天，我正在班里等着做汇报，突然感觉后背被谁轻轻地拍了一下，可转过身却没看见人。直到我站在全班面前时才感觉到胸罩在一点点的往下滑落。原来刚才感觉到的那下轻拍其实是内衣扣子崩开了。FML
Today, while waiting to do a presentation in class, I felt someone flick my back, but when I turned around no one was there. It wasn't until I got up in front of the whole class that I felt my bra slowly sliding down my body. Turns out that the "flick" I felt was actually my bra clasp busting open. FML
孩子们长大的太快了
今天，女儿告诉我她永远不会要孩子，因为那会让她下体出血或者让她肚子缝针。她上周才刚过完7岁生日，这些都是她听同学说的。我还没跟她科普“经期”。现在我有点儿害怕跟她说这些了。FML
Today, my daughter said she would never ever have kids because then she'll bleed through her vagina or get stitches on her stomach. She turned 7 last week and learnt this at school from friends. I'm yet to have the "periods" talk with her. Now I'm scared to start it. FML
购物狂
今天，我在忙工作的时候年终奖终于到账了。太棒辣！可惜我是已婚男，等我得空查看手机时，我的邮箱已经全是老婆的网上购物收据了，其中还包括一趟不支持退款的游轮旅行一艘不支持退货的游艇。我真希望我们能存点儿钱。FML
Today, my yearly bonus finally hit my bank account while I was busy at work. Hurrah! Unfortunately, I'm married, so by the time I got a second of free time to check my phone, my email was full of my wife's online shopping receipts, including a non-refundable cruise. I wish we could save money… FML
下一位！
今天，我在餐厅约会时，有一位女士吃东西噎到了，于是我还有几个人一起冲过去帮她。在我们的帮助下她咳出了食物，但当我回头看我约会对象时，她正趁着人们离席帮忙之际，从他们的餐盘里偷吃的。FML
Today, I was on a date when a woman across the restaurant started choking on food, so I and a few others rushed to help her. We got her to cough up the food but as I looked back to my date, she was stealing food from the plates of other people who'd left their tables to help. FML
具体的离谱
今天，我别无选择，只能搬回去和妈妈还有她老公同住。2013年那场烧死了我两个弟弟的大火就是他的错，我妈竟然还没跟他离婚。FML
Today, I have no choice but to move back in with my mom and her husband, who are still married even though he's responsible for the house fire that killed my two younger brothers in 2013. FML
顾客永远是正确的
今天，有位顾客点了碗辣虾面。菜单上写着辣，我也提示说这个是辣的，面的名字里都带着“辣”字呢！可她不听，非要点，最后这特么的傻福小仙女退了四回这个面条，说太辣了。FML
Today, a customer ordered the spicy shrimp ramen bowl. The menu says spicy, I warned her it was spicy, it’s in the fucking title SPICY SHRIMP RAMEN! Despite all of this, instead of ordering something different, the stupid fucking Karen sent her order back four times because it was too hot. FML
祸不单行
今天，我们被从车里救了出来，送上了救护车。在去往医院的路上，我们又遭遇了车祸。FML
Today, after being cut out of the car, on the way to hospital in the ambulance, we were involved in another accident. FML
顾家的男人
今天，我们打算去最爱的餐厅里吃晚饭。我和孩子们都穿好衣服准备出发了，老公大摇大摆的回了家，手里还拎着快餐。他说刚好找到了点儿免费家庭餐的券儿。我和孩子们都有点不高兴，他还说：“本来我大可不必给你们带这些的。”FML
Today, we were planning to go out to dinner at our favorite restaurant. My kids and I were all dressed and ready to go when my husband waltzes in with fast food. He said he found some coupons for a free family meal. The kids and I got upset and he said, "I didn't have to get this for you guys." FML
坏浦西
今天，我给家里的猫又买了两个新的猫砂盆。可它们还是更愿意跑到我的衣柜里尿。FML
Today, I bought my cats two new litter boxes in hopes that they would use them. They still prefer to pee on the clothes in my closet. FML
找到了
今天，在我跟医生周旋的几个月里，他们一心想把我转到心理医生手上，结果表明我的大脑的确有一处他们未发现的损伤。很吓人，对吧？FML
Today, after months of arguing with doctors and them trying to hand me off to mental health professionals, it turns out I indeed have a physical brain injury they missed. Scary, right? FML
让我睡个安稳觉！
今天，我跟男朋友大吵一架，因为我提出要分房睡。他觉得我是不爱他了，可问题也不是这个啊。我超爱他，可他呼噜打的跟大运似的，整晚还特么拳打脚踢的像只忍者神龟。FML
Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge argument when I suggested we start sleeping in separate rooms. He thinks I don’t love him anymore, but that’s not the case. I’m madly in love with him, but he snores like a freight train and thrashes like a fucking Ninja Turtle all night. FML
勿谈政治
今天，我刚从纽约搬过来，新的学校，新的同学。没人愿意和我做朋友，也没人跟我说话，因为我是以色列人，所以我肯定“参与了种族大屠杀，还从美国人口袋里偷纳税钱。”我4岁开始就在美国生活了，这些我都没干过，连以色列我都没回去过。FML
Today, I just moved from New York and I started a new school with new people. Nobody wants to be my friend or talk to me because I’m Israeli and apparently I “participate in genocide and take Americans' tax money.” I've lived in America since I was 4 and haven’t done any of that, let alone go back to Israel. FML
绝望的等待
今天，我在医院做超声检查。为了拍的清晰，我得憋尿。现在我候诊已经2个小时了，膀胱都快要憋炸了。可前面还有好几个患者。FML
Today, I have to get an ultrasound at the hospital. In order to get a clear picture, I need to have a full bladder. I've been waiting my turn for 2 hours now, desperately needing to pee. There are still multiple patients ahead of me. FML
“我的死亡报告有点夸大其词了”
今天，我到我们本地的酒吧去喝酒。有个巨大的牌子上写着“欢迎各位参加卢克的追思会”。我就叫卢克。FML
Today, I went to my local pub for a drink. There was a giant sign that read, “Welcome to Luke’s celebration of life.” My name is Luke. FML
过度自信
今天，才刚谈了5天的男朋友在购物中心里向我求婚。FML
Today, my boyfriend of five days proposed to me at the mall. FML
耻辱！
今天，我是个成人影片的成瘾者，正努力戒掉它们。女朋友发现了我的康复日记，读完以后生气的骂我是个变态。她偷走了我的日记，然后拍下来发到了INS上，完事儿还@我。没错，这压力让我破了戒。FML
Today, I'm a porn addict struggling to stay clean. My girlfriend found my recovery journal and read it, then went off screaming that I'm a sick freak. She stole my journal and has been posting pages on her Instagram and tagging me in them. Yes, the stress made me relapse. FML
