这首歌是我的礼物，现在送给你
今天，前男友被他的现任甩了。我见时机已到，就把我为他写的歌发了过去，这首歌表达了我依然深爱着他。他转脸就把这歌发给了刚甩完他的女朋友，还声称是他自己写的。现在人俩又复合了。FML
Today, my ex got dumped by his girlfriend. Seeing my opportunity, I sent him a song I'd written for him, about how much I still love him. He sent it on to the girl who had just dumped him, claiming he had written it. They're now back together. FML
安慰奖
今天，我偷偷暗恋的对象约我出去。我兴冲冲的去跟闺蜜讲，但凡有大事儿我都会跟她说。她告诉我说这男的15分钟前约过她。他一直是对她有意思，之所以会过来约我是因为她回绝了。FML
Today, a guy who I was low-key crushing on asked me out. I excitedly told my best friend, as I do when I have big news. She informed me that the same guy asked her out 15 minutes ago. He'd originally been into her and only came to me because she rejected him. FML
谈吐自如
今天，我第一次吃安必恩安眠药。我不仅没睡着，还在我妈面前把我睡过的所有男人都捋了一遍。我是一点印象都没有，但据说可是细节满满呐。FML
Today, I took Ambien for the first time. Not only did I not fall asleep, but I took my mother through a list of all the men I've slept with. I do not remember a thing, but apparently I was very thorough. FML
重大新闻
今天，我发现谈了2年的男朋友竟然有孩子。孩子不是一个两个，是特么仨。而且仨孩子还是仨妈。FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years has children. Not one, not two, but three. Not with one, two, but three women. FML
臭蓝孩
今天，我注意到我弟似乎在向外散发出一股令人作呕的味道。当我问起的时候，他说：“可能是打球后的汗味吧。我有几个礼拜没洗澡了，所以也说不好。”FML
Today, I noticed a disgusting odor that seemed to be radiating off my brother. When I asked him about it, he replied, "I think it's ball sweat. I haven't had a shower in a few weeks, so it's hard to tell." FML
极端保守派
今天，我爸新娶回家的阴谋论疯女人向儿童保护服务局举报了我和我老公，因为她发现我俩给孩子接种了疫苗。我明白我不需要担心什么，可是一条虚假的指控就足以毁掉我们一辈子，还能让我们失去孩子的监护权。FML
Today, my dad's conspiracy lunatic of a new wife reported my husband and me to CPS because she found out that we vaccinated our kids. I know I shouldn't worry but one single false allegation is all it takes to ruin lives and lose custody. FML
屋顶即地狱
今天，我在客户的屋顶做维修。邻居的孩子贱了吧唧的把我的梯子弄倒了。大热天儿的我被困在了屋顶上。我引起了一位行人的注意来帮我，那是一位矮小的老太太。她朝我竖了下中指就离开了。FML
Today, I was working on a client's roof. Some neighborhood kids thought it would be hilarious if they knocked over my ladder. I was stuck on this roof in serious heat. I caught the attention of a pedestrian to come to my rescue. It was a little old lady. She gave me the finger and left. FML
春季大扫除
今天，由于上周下雨太多，加上手推式割草机坏了，迫不得已我只能用手持的割草机来修剪草坪。修剪的过程中，我忘了这块地方有我家狗拉的屎，漫不经心就剪了过去……狗屎甩了我一脸。FML
Today, I had to mow the lawn with a weed-whacker because it rained a lot the past week and the push mower was broken. I started "mowing", and forgot that I was mowing where the dogs take dumps, I absentmindedly whacked over dog poop… which got flung into my face. FML
是不是忘了谁啊？
今天，男朋友向我求婚啦！我想提前做些准备，于是就开始找摄影师，他说他认识一个靠谱儿的。我就去翻摄影师的INS，结果在里面看到了一张照片，上面是我的男朋友……和他的老婆。FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed! I wanted to get a jump on things so I started looking at photographers, and he mentioned he already knew a good one. I went to check out the photographer’s Instagram and found a picture of my boyfriend… and his wife. FML
幼年胡迪尼
今天，开车回家路上，我从后视镜里看见3岁的女儿从安全座椅上出来了，已经爬到了后车窗那里。我急忙靠边停车，把她放回安全座椅，系好了安全带。还没过5分钟，她又出现在了车窗旁。FML
Today, while driving home, I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw that my three-year-old daughter had managed to get out of her seat and had crawled to the back window. I pulled over and strapped her in again. Five minutes later she was back at the window. FML
安全第一
今天，老婆说她要离开我，因为她的“神经系统把我视作威胁”。7年前她说我是她的“安心港湾”，现在我成了人型的应激激素飙升。FML
Today, my wife told me she’s leaving me because her "nervous system now perceives me as a threat." Apparently, seven years ago I was her "safe space," but now I’m just a cortisol spike in human form. FML
慰藉
今天，好多年我都没有过性生活了，一个朋友说她可以慰藉我。我太激动了，还没进去就吐了。FML
Today, after years of no sex, a friend of mine told me she would like some benefits. I got too excited and came before even putting it in. FML
办公室恋情没好下场
今天，我的工作黄了，就因为在同事开车去参加公司活动的路上，我的嘴没闲着。我被辞退了，还因为有悖公序良俗被逮捕了。现在这事儿进了我的档案，我那张儿童早教的硕士文凭基本上也跟擦屁股纸没两样了。FML
Today, I learned I have to kiss my career goodbye, all because I decided to give a colleague road head while he was driving to a company function. I was fired and arrested for indecent exposure. Now it’s all on my record and my Master’s in Early Childhood Education can basically be used for toilet paper. FML
经典案例
今天，儿子抱怨说，女孩们只想睡他，但是不想跟他谈恋爱，他怕是一辈子都娶不到老婆了。有意思，我老婆只想嫁给我，但不想和我做。讽刺不讽刺？FML
Today, my son is complaining that girls only want to have sex with him but won’t date him, so he’s afraid he’ll never get married. Funny, my wife only wants to be married to me, but won’t have sex with me. Ain’t that ironic? FML