当我看见树上刻着的情侣名字时，我不会觉得这样很可爱或者浪漫什么的。我只会觉得很诡异，到底有多少人在约会时身上还带着刀？
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
我和老公做出了一个艰难的决定：我们不打算要孩子了。有想要孩子的，请留下你的联系方式，我们明天就能把孩子送上门。
My husband and I have come to a difficult decision: we don't want children. If anybody does, please leave your contact information, and we'll drop them off tomorrow.
你们知道有一句谚语叫“一个人的垃圾是另一个人的宝贝”吗？我也不知道为什么，但是被领养的人不喜欢这句话。
Do you know the phrase “One man's trash is another man’s treasure”? I don't know why, but adopted people don't like it.
我喜欢拿孤儿开玩笑。他们能怎么办？告诉他们的父母吗？
I love telling jokes about orphans. What are they going to do? Tell their parents?
牧师问电椅上的死刑犯说：“你还有什么最后的请求吗？”“有的，”死刑犯说，“可以请您握着我的手吗？”
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”
我有一具完美的胴体，但它在我家的冰柜里。
I’ve got the perfect body, but it’s at home in my freezer.
女儿问我星星(明星)是怎么死的。“通常是吸毒过量，”我跟她说。
My daughter asked me how stars die. “Usually an overdose,” I told her.
一个男人从昏迷中醒来。他的妻子换下身上的黑色衣服，怒道：“真就是什么都指不上你，对不对！”
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
我的Frank叔叔去世的时候，想要把自己的骨灰放在最爱的啤酒杯里再埋进地下。他的遗愿是成为“弗兰肯斯坦”。
When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
我希望去世的时候能像祖父那样，在睡梦中安然离世。而不像他车里的乘客那样尖叫不止。
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
我恨双标。烧一具尸体，在火葬场烧就是“满怀敬意的朋友。”在家里烧就成了“破坏证据”。
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."
我从家里的花园挖出来了一个满是金币的箱子。我想立马跑回家，把这事儿告诉妻子。然后我想起来为什么要在花园里挖坑了。
I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
我有一个关于涓流经济的笑话，但是99%的人永远都听不懂(得不到)。
I have a joke about trickle-down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.
Z世代应该改名叫隔离代。
Gen Z should change their name to quaranteens.
医生：“很快你就能归于平静了。”
男子：“我是要死了吗?”
医生：“不是，但你老婆快了。”
Doctor: “You'll be at peace soon”
Man: “Am I dying?”
Doctor:"No, your wife is"
性别就像双子塔。原来只有两个，但现在成了敏感话题。
Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them and now it’s a sensitive subject.
“妈，我书包怎么这么沉？”“真主至高伟大，儿子，安拉胡阿克巴。”
“Mom, why is my backpack so heavy? ”“Allahu Akbar my son. Allahu Akbar.”