我带祖母去了一家鱼疗馆，这里的小鱼会啄食掉你身上的死皮，而且收费只要45刀。这可比把她葬在墓地里便宜多了。
I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45. It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
一个胖乎乎的女人问：“魔镜魔镜告诉我，谁是这世界上最美丽的女人？”魔镜回答说：“请往旁边稍一稍，你挡的我屁都看不见了。”
A chubbier woman: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? Mirror: “Kindly move aside. I can't see anything.”
我找到了份图书馆管理员的工作，但只上了半个小时就被开除了。原来关于女权的书籍不该放在科幻/魔幻区啊。
I got a job as a librarian, but it only lasted half an hour. Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.
我女朋友想要一个童话般的婚姻。没问题。我给了她一块面包，然后把她留在了森林里。
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.
爷爷：你不能在饭桌的5米范围内玩手机。
我：而你不能在小学的30米范围内出现。
Grandpa: you can’t have phones within 15 feet of the table. Me: and you aren’t allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school.
刷一面墙需要几个孩子？这要看你能扔多大劲儿了。
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends on how hard you can throw.
观察员：我在想，掠过他脑海的最后一样东西会是什么呢？
狙击手：可能是那颗子弹吧。
Spotter: I wonder what was the last thing that went through his mind.
Sniper：Probably that bullet.
-笃笃笃
-谁啊？
-我啊，911。
-啥911？
-你还说你永远都不会遗忘……
Knock Knock. Who’s there? 9/11, 9/11 who? You said you would never forget…
我拨通了伊拉克的自杀热线……接线员很兴奋，问我会不会开卡车。
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq…They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
“妈，孩子们都笑话我，说我的牙太长了。”“快闭嘴，你又把地板给刮花了！”
“Mom, the kids are laughing at me, they say my teeth are too long!” – “Oh shush, now you’ve scratched the whole floor again!”
有一次我和女朋友去徒步，突然之间有一头巨大的棕熊发疯了似的朝我们冲过来。我们肯定是离小熊仔太近了。好在我身上带了一把9毫米的手枪。只是朝着女朋友的膝盖来了一枪，我就可以从容的走开了。
I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.
-哇偶，亲爱的，我从没想过咱儿子能走这么远！
-我也是啊，这投石机是真给劲儿。快去把咱姑娘也叫过来！
-Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!
-Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!
老婆今天打电话说洗碗机漏了……于是我买了卫生巾带回了家。
My wife called today and said the dishwasher was leaking…I came home with tampons.
为了教孩子什么是民主国家，我让他们投票晚餐吃什么。他们投给了披萨，但我做了塔可饼，因为我们住的地方不是摇摆州。
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don’t live in a swing state.
泰坦尼克号：我点名全部乘客参加冰桶挑战。
Titanic: And I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!”
一个男人走进了图书馆，要找一本如何自杀的书。图书管理员说：“滚边去！你该不还回来了。”
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said:“F*ck off! You won’t bring it back.”
你们想怎么骂恋童癖都无所谓。但他们起码会在学校附近放慢车速。
Say what you will about pedophiles. At least they drive slowly through school zones.
香蕉对跳蛋说：“你抖个屁啊？她要吃的是我！”。
The banana say to the vibrator,"Why are you shaking? She's going to eat me!" .
曾经有位传教士在非洲一个小部落里传教。整个部落都爱戴他，每一天都会有更多的人改信他的宗教。
但有一天，部落中的一名妇女产下了一个皮肤白皙的孩子。酋长立马就派人去找来传教士，要求他说明为什么会打破自己亲授的戒律。
传教士这一生都是个虔诚的基督徒，就问自己能否看看那个孩子。只是看了一眼孩子，他就明白了，这孩子得了白化病。
于是传教士就试着跟酋长解释，说：“酋长，这个孩子是得了一种皮肤会白化的疾病。跟您举个例子，您养的这群羊，所有的羊都是白色的，但却有一只是黑色的。”
酋长打断了他，说：“这样吧，你要是不跟别人说羊的事儿，我也不再提这孩子的事儿了。”
There was once a missionary preaching in a small African tribe. The people there loved him, and every day more were converted.But one day, a white baby was born to one of the women in the tribe. The chief immediately sent for the missionary and demanded to know why he had broken the commandments he had so lovingly taught to his people.
The missionary, having been a devout Christian his entire life, asked to see the child. Upon viewing the baby, it became clear that this baby was an albino.
The missionary attempted to explain this to the chief, saying:
“Chief, this child suffers from a condition of the skin which changed its color to white. As an example, look upon your flocks of sheep. All are white, except for one which is black.”
The chief cuts him off, saying:
“Ok, I won’t tell about the baby if you don’t tell about the sheep.”