小牙牙
今天，我换了个新牙医。你们都知道吧，牙医特爱放那种舒缓放松的音乐，但这哥们似乎贼喜欢说唱，但听着子弹呼啸的声音想把牙洗干净着实有点困难呀。FML
Today, I got a new dentist. You know how most dentists play soft, relaxing music? Well this guy seems to like rap a lot, and it's kinda hard getting your teeth cleaned to the sound of bullets going off. FML

狂热粉
今天，老婆把她下面的毛剃成了希特勒小胡子的样子，然后不停的说它是“希蒂勒”。FML
Today, my wife shaved her pubic hair in a way that it looks like Hitler's mustache. She won't stop referring to it as "the Clitler". FML

耶稣心中留
今天，我和一个迷人的已婚男人调情并交换了手机号码。当我给他发信息时，他回给我一张耶稣的照片，然后拉黑了我。FML
Today, I flirted and swapped numbers with an attractive married man. Later, when I texted him, he sent me a picture of Jesus and blocked me. FML

最好的生活
今天，家里停电了。供电局说是因为我们的电费账单至少超期了4个月了。艹，室友这几个月是拿着我给的钱出去浪了呀。FML
Today, my electricity went out. The electric company said it was because the bill was at least 4 months overdue. Apparently, I have been paying for my roommate to go out and party for weeks. FML

新套路出现了
今天，我的新女友要求我删掉通讯录里的所有女性朋友。她的逻辑是：“当这帮婊子遇到不顺了，一个可以依靠上去哭泣的肩膀就会变成一根儿可以骑上去的迪奥。”在我拒绝后，她立马就把我甩了，因为她“不需要一个潜在的不忠者。”FML
Today, my new girlfriend demanded that I delete all my female friends' numbers. Her rationale is, “When them bitches are going through some shit, a shoulder to cry on becomes a dick to ride on.” When I refused, she promptly dumped me because she doesn’t "need a potential cheater” in her life. FML

前途
今天，我在后院里挖地，我妈出来看见了，赞许的点了点头，面无表情的跟我说，这是个不错的练习，等我不出意外蹲监狱的时候肯定能派上用场。FML
Today, I was digging in the backyard when my mom came out, nodded her head approvingly, and with a straight face told me it was good practice for when I inevitably go to prison. FML

浪漫已死
今天，我和女朋友已经很长时间没做了。所以当她进去洗澡的时候，我就在床上收拾好准备好好做一次了。她的反应？“会不会挑时候？我刚洗完澡。”FML
Today, my girlfriend and I haven't had sex for a long time, so when she got out of the shower I was ready on our bed to finally do it. Her response? "Really? Now? I just got out of the shower." FML

新手失误
今天，我发现在毕业舞会那晚让我失身的女生怀了我的孩子。FML
Today, I found out the girl I lost my virginity to during prom night is pregnant with my kid. FML

度日如年
今天，我闺蜜宣布她和我前男友订婚了。我俩两天前才分的手。我再也不搭理她了。结果她却说我这是小题大做，“别再卖惨了”，因为“他要真是你的真命天子，还能跟你闹掰了？”FML
Today, my best friend announced her engagement to my ex. We broke up two days ago. I’m no longer speaking to her. She tells me I’m being a drama queen and to “stop throwing a pity party” because “If he was the one he would still be with you.” FML

听起来蛮合理
今天，男朋友奉上了一枚定情戒指。这也太甜蜜太浪漫了八，直到他对我说：“我希望有一天能娶你为妻……但我想先跟别的妹子约一约。”FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a promise ring. It was so sweet and romantic, until he said, "I want to marry you one day… but I want to date some other girls first." FML

别解释了，蠢蛋
今天，新男友在我们第一次约会结束后开车送我回家，路上遇见了鸭子一家子过马路。我喊他赶紧刹车，但是他就这么直接轧了过去，一只都没放过。他的理由？“它们就不该上马路上，”而且“谁让它们犯蠢的，这就是自然选择。”FML
Today, as my new boyfriend was taking me home from our first date, a family of ducks walked across the road. I yelled at him to stop, but he ran over every single one of them. His logic? “They shouldn’t have been in the way,” and it was “natural selection anyway for them being so stupid.” FML

邪恶狡诈
今天，我因为一通顾客匿名投诉而丢掉了工作。原来是我那恶毒的婆婆打的。她打投诉电话是想着要是我失业了，那她就更容易说服她儿子跟我离婚了。好在老公知道她很坏，而且站在我这边，但我还是失业中。FML
Today, I lost my job due to anonymous customer complaints. Turns out it was my toxic mother-in-law. She made those complaints because she thinks if I’m unemployed, it will be easier to convince my husband to divorce me. Luckily he knows she’s toxic and is on my side, but I’m still unemployed. FML

头回听说
今天，闺蜜打电话给我，说她正在医院待产。我抑制不住喜悦之情，冲到了医院里。结果到病房看见我那谈了4年的男朋友也在。我问他你跟这儿干嘛呢，然后我闺蜜说：“是你跟她说，还是我说？”原来他要为了她和我分手。孩子也是他的。FML
Today, my best friend called me and told me she was in the hospital in labor. Excited, I rush to the hospital. Once I arrived, I saw my boyfriend of 4 years in the room. I asked him what he was doing there and my friend says, “You wanna tell her or should I?” Turns out he’s leaving me for her. The baby is his. FML

远亲不如近邻
今天，我走出公寓，看见有人爬到了我的车顶上，然后往我的前挡风玻璃上拉屎。我几周前才刚搬过来。FML
Today, I walked out of my apartment to see that someone had climbed onto the hood of my car and taken a shit on my windshield. I only moved in a couple of weeks ago. FML

这裙子真火爆
今天，我看到一个小孩子从滑板车上重重的摔在了地上，于是我就扔掉手里的烟，跑去扶他起来。我问他有没有受伤，用不用我陪他回家。他说：“我没事儿，但是你的裙子着了。”还真是。FML
Today, I saw a small child take a really bad fall off his scooter, so I got rid of my cigarette and ran to help him. I asked him if he was alright, or if I could walk him to his house. He replied "I'm okay, but your dress is on fire." It was. FML

约会即地狱
今天，我在一家高档餐厅约会。中途，她对我说：“失陪一下，我得去趟洗手间。”然后我看着她起身，走出餐厅的正门，坐进车里，开车走人了。FML
Today, I had a date with a girl at a fancy restaurant. In the middle of it she says, "Excuse me, I have to use the bathroom." I watched her get up, walk over to the door, leave, get in her car, and drive away. FML

辅导师控
今天，我发现老公同意跟我去做婚姻辅导的唯一原因是他觉得我们的辅导师特迷人。FML
Today, I found out that the only reason my husband agreed to marriage counselling is because he finds our therapist attractive. FML

待家里，别出门
今天，我出门给车加油，这是我在分手后第一次出门。我正在交钱的时候，有个黑帮老大在停车场被杀了。我被警察问了一小时的话。FML
Today, I went out for gas, the first time I've been out since my break up. As I was paying, a mob boss was killed in the parking lot. I was questioned for an hour. FML

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