劝退游戏
今天，因为一款游戏，女朋友把我踹了。不是因为我天天打游戏，而是因为她自己玩上瘾了，觉得这游戏可比我俩的感情有意思多了。FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me because of a video game. Not that I was playing the game too much, but because she got addicted to it and decided that the game was more important than our relationship. FML

混蛋
今天，在地铁上，我戴着墨镜睡得正香。突然一哥们对我大打出手，非说我盯着他女朋友看。FML
Today, a guy punched me in the subway for staring at his girlfriend. I had dark glasses on, and was fast asleep. FML

听起来很完美
今天，我听到广告在宣传一个不错的综合性公寓。能提供餐点、零食、娱乐活动、保洁服务，要是不会开车的话还能有客运服务。我激动万分的等广告在最后重复公寓的名字；最合适我的地方可惜是个老年中心。FML
Today, I heard a commercial for a great apartment complex. It includes food, snacks, entertainment, activities, cleaning service, and transportation services if you cannot drive yourself. I was really excited until the end when they repeated the name; too bad my perfect place is a senior center. FML

健康提示
今天，我跟哥几个一起玩儿的时候找到一个旧的验孕棒。我是男的，我要是测一下肯定特有意思。两道杠蹦出来的时候我们都笑疯了。直到有个哥们查了下原因，看来我可能得了癌。FML
Today, I was hanging with my mates when we found an old pregnancy test. Since I’m a guy, we thought it’d be hilarious if I took it. It came out positive, so we were roaring with laughter. That is, until someone looked up why. Turns out, I might have cancer. FML

饮酒误事
今天，我打算去买点酒，正好把我这张礼品卡给花了。结账的时候，收银员说要看看我的身份证。我掏出身份证，连同礼品卡一起递给了他。付完款后，他跟我说这张礼品卡已经没用了，要不要帮我把卡剪了。我说成啊。然后他剪我身份证上了。FML
Today, I wanted to use my gift card for a liquor store. I went to pay the cashier, who said he needed to see my license. I gave it to him, along with my gift card. After paying, he asked me if I wanted him to cut it up, since the card was now worthless. I said yes. He cut up the wrong card. FML

爆炸新闻
今天，在家庭晚宴时，男朋友的家人解释了他该如何学习家族菜肴才能传给他未来的孩子们。他就呛道：“为啥我要生孩子啊？我又不喜欢孩子。”我现在已经怀孕7周了7个月了。FML
Today, while at a family dinner, my boyfriend's family explained how he needs to learn family recipes to pass down to his future children. He responded, "Why would I ever start a family? I hate kids." I'm currently seven weeks pregnant. FML

惊喜不惊喜！
今天，已经一年多了，我约会对象还是只肯给我口，从来不放进来。我一直百思不得其解。我也撅着腚蹭过他几次。后来我怀孕了，可我根本不知道怎么回事儿，明明我俩做都没做过。直到我发现他的那玩意儿硬起来以后也就小拇指长短。原来我们一直有做，只是我从来没感觉到过。FML
Today, the guy I was dating for over a year would only perform oral on me and never sex. I couldn’t figure out why. We grinded a few times. I got pregnant but couldn’t figure out how, because I didn’t have sex. Apparently his penis, hard, is the size of my pinkie. We were having sex, I just never felt it. FML

永远不要越线
今天，我最好的朋友是蕾丝边，她跟我说自己可能是双性恋，想要找个信任的男人来一发试一试，那男人也就是我。她最终说服了我，但在她体验过“尴尬的好友性爱”之后，她觉得自己还是100%的女同，而我却“利用她一时的迷茫占了她便宜”，然后和我决裂了。啥鸡毛？FML
Today, my lesbian best friend told me she might be bi and wanted to try sex with a guy she trusts, AKA me. She eventually convinced me, but after we'd had 'weird best friend sex' she decided she’s a lesbian after all, and I “took advantage of her temporary confusion,” so we’re not friends anymore. WTF? FML

糟糕手艺人
今天，我第一次帮男朋友撸。结果我的手艺过于差劲，以至于他推开我的手，生气的说还是他自己来吧。FML
Today, I gave my boyfriend a handjob for the first time. Apparently, I was so bad at it that he eventually just slapped my hand away and angrily said he'd do it himself. FML

有那么多地方可以选……
今天，在等红灯的时候，我妈开始倾诉，说她和我爸已经好几个月没做过了，他们“之间的关系这次可能会一落千丈”，最后很可能会走到离婚这一步。FML
Today, at a red light, my mom started to tell me that she and my dad hadn't had sex in months, that they "probably won't bounce back from this one," and are most likely getting a divorce. FML

浑身一紧
今天，我在下水口瞅见一根长长的黑头发。以为是我妹的，于是就把她喊过来，揪出来让她看，结果却扽出来一只小强，原来我揪住的是它的触角。FML
Today, I saw a long black hair coming out of the drain. Thinking it was my sister's, I called her in and pulled it out for her to see, only to realize I was actually pulling out a long brown roach by the antenna. FML

知子莫若母
今天，我离开家，准备投入崭新的大学生活。在和母亲告别时，她最后一句叮嘱我的话是“别变弯了啊”。我已经弯了。FML
Today, I left home to start my new life at University. Saying goodbye to my mother, the last thing she said to me was "Don't turn gay". I'm gay. FML

方法演技
今天，我在宿舍练习戏剧班的台词。我跟搭档选了一段剧本，内容是我俩因为我跟她男友偷吃发生了争吵。我俩演的太逼真了，以至于有一个学生骂我是“疯婊子”，还照我脸上来了一拳。FML
Today, I was practicing my lines for theater class in the hall. My partner and I chose a script where we argue over me stealing her boyfriend. Since it started to sound like a real argument, another student said that I was a "crazy bitch" and punched me in the face. FML

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