今天，我给90岁的奶奶讲了一个笑话。

笑话不好笑，可她还是漏尿了。
I told my 90 year old granny a joke today,
it wasn't funny, but she still pissed herself. ---cheryll25uk

我开始把自己私处的毛发修理成窄窄的一道。我叫它“加沙地带”，因为我希望它也能受到“猛攻”。
Just started shaving my pubic hair in a thin line. I'm calling it the Gaza strip because I hope it gets pounded ---biggergayeral

9岁的小女孩在用完妈妈那瓶能让人年轻10岁的润肤乳后消失不见了。
A 9 year old girl has disappeared after using her mums moisturiser that makes you look ten years younger. ---ericdidage

对海藻上瘾了？

那快藻人帮帮你吧。
Addicted to seaweed?

Seek kelp.--ernstarsefingerer

隔壁邻居穆罕穆德对我说，他喜欢在泳池里和他老婆做。

我说我不喜欢这样，但只要你的羊能漂起来就行。
*注：whatever floats your goat原意是：只要你乐意就行。*

My next door neighbour Muhammad, said to me he like fucking his wife in the swimming pool.
I said not for me, but whatever floats your goat.--emisssophiasummers

大英博物馆在要求归还所有遭到盗窃的藏品后彻底空无一物了。
British museum completely empty after demand that all stolen items be returned. --innit

老婆说只要我肯掏钱让她去打肉毒杆菌，那我以后想干什么都可以。

快进到半个月后，我跟她说上个周末我把她妹妹身上所有窟窿眼儿都戳了个遍。

她还真没食言，脸皮都没动一下。
My wife says if I pay for her Botox, I'm allowed to do whatever I want when I want.
Fast forward 2 weeks later, I told my wife I've been fucking her sister all weekend in every hole.
True to her word she didn't even pull her face. --missophiasummers

老婆说只要她打肉毒杆菌的钱我能买单，那我以后想干什么都可以。

快进到半个月后，我跟她说上个周末我把她妹妹身上所有的窟窿眼儿都戳了个遍。

她还真就说到做到，连眼皮都没眨一下。
My wife says if I pay for her Botox, I'm allowed to do whatever I want when I want.
Fast forward 2 weeks later, I told my wife I've been fucking her sister all weekend in every hole.
True to her word she didn't even pull her face. --missophiasummers

拜登抵达以色列之后参观了哭墙。

他望着这面墙然后问道：“嗷，原来就是这玩意儿挡住了墨西哥人呀。”

Joe Biden is in Israel and he visited the Wailing Wall.

There was an awkward moment when he looked at the wall and asked,

"So, this is what keeps the Mexicans out."--apollo17

森林里的一件小房子里住着兔子、野兔和乌龟。他们的食物不多了，于是就商量谁去超市买点吃的。经过一番讨论，最后决定这次该轮到乌龟去了。于是他们列了个购物清单，把购物袋和钱塞给了乌龟。

第二天，乌龟还没有回家。

野兔说：“这孙子怎么去了这么久？”

兔子说：“他那么二，肯定是找不到回家的路了。”

第三天，乌龟还是没有回来。

兔子说：“这傻鳖到底哪儿去了？”

野兔说：“狗东西要是拿着咱们的钱跑路了我也不意外。”

第四天，乌龟在门外探出头说：“你俩要再这么说我坏话，我特么可就不去了啊！”

The rabbit, the hare and the tortoise lived in a small house in the woods. They didn't have much food, so they decided that one of them should go to the grocer?s. They had a discussion and decided that it was the tortoise's turn. So they made up a list, gave him a shopping bag and some money.

The next day, the tortoise hadn't returned.

?He's taking a long time.? said the hare.

?He's so stupid. I bet he can't find his way home.? said the rabbit.

The next day, the tortoise still hadn't returned.

?Where is that idiot?? said the rabbit.

?I wouldn?t be surprised if he's stolen our money and he's not coming back.? replied the hare.

The next day, the tortoise poked his head around the door and said, ?If you're going to talk about me like that, I'm not going.?--freddiewhomba

我老婆说我一事无成，于是我告诉她说：“我在学校得过莱斯利·尼尔森奖。”

她讶异道：“那是啥？”

“就是一个很大的建筑，里面都是孩子。”

My wife accused me of achieving nothing so I told her, 'Well I won the Leslie Nielson award at school.'

'What's that?', she said.

'It's a big building with kids in it.'--beatagger

经过了2个小时胶着的汽车追逐后，狗仔队终于甩掉了哈里和梅根夫妇。

After a gruelling 2hr car chase, the paparazzi finally managed to lose Harry & Meg.--jackbuntis

我们永远都不应该通过肤色来评判一个人。

那是法庭的活儿。

You should never judge anybody by the colour of their skin.

That's what the courts are for.--kimjongtrump

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