真好啊
今天，有人要在周末时开车送我回家。我的大学离家有6小时车程，已经快2个月没有回去过了。当我打电话跟妈妈说这个好消息时，她让我别回家。FML
Today, I got offered a ride to go home for the weekend. I go to college six hours away from home and haven't seen my family for almost two months. When I called my mom with the good news, she told me not to come. FML
没够
今天，为了我们的结婚纪念日，我问老婆想要什么，她说别瞎花钱了，于是我就啥也没买，结果被她骂是铁公鸡。后来她生日的时候，我直接就给她买了礼物，然后她就数落我，说我不听话，净浪费钱。咋都是我不对呗。FML
Today, for our anniversary, I asked what my wife wanted and she said not to bother spending money, so I didn’t, and she called me a tight git. Then for her birthday I bought her a gift anyway and she had a go at me for ignoring her wishes and wasting money. I literally cannot win. FML
高质量陪伴
今天，我妈生我气，嫌我不肯出钱把我弟送去军校。我妈之所以想把他送走，是因为自己出轨被他撞见了，还被他揍了一拳。FML
Today, my mom got angry that I won't give her the funds necessary to send my little brother to military school. She wants to send him because he caught her cheating on our dad and punched her in the face. FML
过来人
今天，我跟父母说我决定以后单身一辈子，再也不找对象了。他们说不可能同意的，肯定会施压让我继续找的。我才27岁，既当过寡妇，还离过婚。我受够了。FML
Today, my parents told me that they don't respect my decision to stay single for the rest of my life and never date again, and have made it clear they will continue pressuring me to find someone new. I'm only 27 and I've already been both widowed and divorced. I'm done. FML
有点儿硬核
今天，一个女人指责我老公是炼铜癖，因为他自己一个人带着女儿在游乐场玩。更糟糕的是，我女儿还一拳镶她脸上了，现在她嚷嚷着要起诉我们。FML
Today, a woman accused my husband of being a pedophile because he was at the playground with our daughter alone. To make matters worse, our daughter punched the woman in the face, so now she's pressing charges. FML
又来啊
今天，我去看牙医，结果发现我还有一颗智齿。去年夏天我把四颗智齿全都拔了……至少我当时是这么认为的。现在我还得回去再把这一颗给拔了。又来一次。FML
Today, I went to the dentist and found out I still have a wisdom tooth. I got all four out last summer… or at least I thought I did. Now I have to go back and get it removed. Again. FML
该来的还是来了
今天，我才知道自己辛辛苦苦好几个月才写完的操作手册，到头来竟是要给接替我的人做培训用的。FML
Today, I found out the procedure manual I've been creating for months and finally finished is going to be used to train the person replacing me. FML
洗车房
今天，我开着爱车去自动洗车房。看来洗车时带着狗不是什么好主意，它被吓坏了，在车里面乱窜，尿的到处都是，甚至我也被呲了一身。FML
Today, I took my car into a car wash. I guess it was a bad idea to do it with my dog in the car, because he freaked out, started scrambling around, and ended up pissing on everything, me included. FML
是得好好谈谈了
今天，我和老婆提了离婚，因为她的孩子们讨厌我儿子，对他的态度很恶劣，因为他们看不惯他有爸爸而他们却没有。老婆是我的挚爱，也是灵魂伴侣，但我不能让我儿子再这么憋屈下去了。FML
Today, I asked my wife for a divorce because her kids hate my son and are horrible to him because they don't like that he has a dad and they don't. She's my soulmate and the love of my life, but I can't do this to him anymore. FML
赢麻了
今天，女朋友和她妈妈争论起来，她说不想嫁给什么高富帅，就想嫁给我。我明白她的本意，但这个对比还是让我忍不住的心酸。FML
Today, in an argument with her mother, my girlfriend told her she doesn’t want to marry a tall, attractive, successful man because she wants to marry me. I know what she meant but I’m still struggling not to feel upset by the comparison. FML
不是你们想的那样
今天，我发现邻居们都认为我经常被家暴，因为大半夜的老有救护车来我家。我的孩子真就是吃啥都容易噎着，邻居们怎么就不信呢！FML
Today, I found out everyone in my neighborhood thinks that I'm a beaten woman due to the reoccurring ambulances in front of my house at night. My kid just chokes on everything, and they don't believe me. FML
候选人
今天，是我数个月以来参加的第一场面试。哥们儿看着我的哲学硕士学位讽刺得笑出声儿，坦言真搞不懂为什么会选我来面试。FML
Today, I had my first job interview in months. The guy chuckled mockingly at my master's degree in philosophy and wound up admitting that he had no idea why I'd even been selected to be interviewed. FML
不靠谱的叙事者
今天，我一直很好奇，我妹和她爹的关系怎么这么好，她明知道我被她爹虐待了好几年。现在我知道怎么回事儿了，她“压根儿就不信”，认为一切都是我自己的想象。FML
Today, I always wondered how my younger sister maintained a good relationship with her dad, as she knows I was horribly abused by him for several years. Now, I found out that she “doesn’t agree” with it, and thinks it was all my imagination. FML
唑吡坦之夜
今天，室友跟我说我昨儿晚上都干了哪些弱智事儿，可我完全不记得。喝到断片了？完全不是。我一连好几个礼拜都失眠，然后就试了一种新的安眠药。结果还是基本没怎么睡着。FML
Today, my roommates told me about all the stupid and embarrassing things I did last night, none of which I remember. Drunk out of my mind? No, I just tried a new sleeping pill after weeks of insomnia. I still barely slept.
我讨厌人类
今天，和往常一样，一进办公室扑面而来的就是屎味儿。那个乳糖不耐的糖尿病同事依旧一大早吃着汉堡加奶昔，完全不顾身体怎么抗议。FML
Today, like every day, I walked into my office and was greeted by the smell of shit wafting through the air. My lactose intolerant, diabetic coworker won't stop eating Whataburger and milkshakes for breakfast, no matter what his body tells him. FML
达阵
今天，我激动地宣布我当上了校橄榄球队的队长。继父让我闭嘴，别老叭叭个没完了。他高中时期的橄榄球生涯很失败，我以为我俩关系那么铁，他会为我骄傲的。FML
Today, I excitedly announced that I made captain of the football team. My stepdad told me to shut up and not rub it in. He's a failed high school football player himself, and here I was thinking that we were so close, he would be so proud of me. FML
