否认
今天，我妈带我去参加戒酒互助会，因为她认为我需要帮助。我这辈子是滴酒不沾，也是这么跟他们说的。结果被那位“导师”一顿说教，因为酗酒者的典型特征之一就是“否认”。FML
Today, my mom took me to an AA meeting because she said I needed help. I have never tried alcohol in my life, and told them this. I was then harangued by the "instructor" because apparently one of the signs of alcoholism is denial. FML
锈迹斑斑
今天，尽管才39岁，刚打了个喷嚏，腰差点没飞出去。FML
Today, despite only being 39, I nearly threw my back out when I sneezed. FML
历经沧桑
今天，我去相亲，相亲对象竟然是我的妇科医生。FML
Today, my blind date turned out to be my gynecologist. FML
个人清洁
今天，我发现我内瓶巨贵的洗面奶就剩下个底儿了。最近我才搬过来和男朋友同居，就问他怎么回事儿，跟他讲“这洗面奶一次没必要挤太多，买一瓶70刀呢。”他回答说：“啊？就是香香的那瓶？我用它洗牛子来着。”FML
Today, I noticed that my very expensive facial cleanser was almost out. I had moved in with my boyfriend recently, and questioned him, telling him "You don't have to use so much to wash your face. That's a $70 bottle." To which he responded, "Oh, that nice-smelling stuff? Yeah, I use that on my junk." FML
黑暗面
今天，我甩了未婚夫。从小把他抚养大的奶奶去世了，我在无意中却听到他明确表示自己在乎的只有她的遗产。我曾以为他是我的灵魂伴侣，现在我真的没法和这种人过一辈子。FML
Today, I dumped my fiance because his grandma, who raised him since birth, died and I overheard him making it clear that all he cared about was her inheritance. I thought he was my soulmate, but I can't be married to somebody like that. FML
夜幕杀手
今天，我被一股怪味儿熏醒了。我的狗吃了只死掉的鸟，然后吐的床上地上到处都是。凌晨4点，我还得爬起来收拾裹满胃酸的鸟的残躯、羽毛、血还有狗粮。那个味儿到现在还没消散。FML
Today, I was woken up by a funky smell. My dog had eaten a dead bird and thrown up all over my bed and floor. At 4 o'clock in the morning I had to clean up regurgitated bits of bird, feathers, blood and dog food. The smell still hasn't gone away. FML
推卸责任
今天，我要装吊柜，于是就让老婆看好孩子，别让他乱跑。但她没有，孩子跑进来捡起一个改锥。我去要，可他边笑边躲，结果绊倒把脑门磕了个口子。我老婆说这完全是我的错，她要带孩子回娘家了。FML
Today, I asked my wife to keep our toddler confined while I hung a shelf. Of course, she didn't, and he came in and picked up a screwdriver. I tried to take it away, and he ran off giggling, only to trip and slice his forehead open. According to my wife, this is entirely my fault and she is taking him to her mom's. FML
气鼓鼓
今天，我开始毫无缘由的在睡觉时放屁已经有一个礼拜了。放的太勤太臭了，整得我和老公晚上都睡不好，全靠午觉来补充睡眠了。FML
Today, it's been a week since I started farting in my sleep for no apparent reason. It's so frequent and so foul-smelling that my husband and I are both losing sleep and are having to take afternoon naps to make up for it. FML
停止供应
今天，老婆竭尽所能的拒绝和我做爱，想做一次都没戏。绝大多数时间是问我：“一天天的你都干啥了啊，还配跟我来一发？”当我指出我[辛苦工作赚钱养家，照顾她还有孩子们]时，她会问：“霍，这意思就是我欠你的呗？”即便我生日也照样没戏。FML
Today, my wife flat out refuses to have sex with me, ever. Most days it's "What have you done to earn sex?" then when I point out all I do (pay bills, work hard, take care of her, the kids and the house) it's, "Oh, so that means I owe you sex?" I even got that excuse on my birthday. FML
不公
今天，我输了抚养权的官司，现在得把外孙们的抚养权交回给已经断绝关系的女儿手中，她又能让她的前夫继续虐待孩子们了。我没法儿上诉，说实在的我也没钱上诉了。我真希望从未生下过她。FML
Today, I lost my custody battle and I have to return my grandchildren to my disowned daughter, who was allowing her now ex-husband to abuse them. I can't appeal or anything because frankly we don't have the funds. I wish I'd never had her. FML
坏狗狗！
今天，我以为家里只有我自己，于是就敞着门洗澡。结果狗狗钻了进来，叼着我的胸罩就跑掉了。我急忙追出来，却发现我哥还有他的俩哥们都在。狗狗叼着胸罩在前面跑，我光着屁股在后面追，全被他们看到了。FML
Today, I thought I was home alone so I went to take a shower and left my door open. My dog came in, stole my bra, and ran out of my bathroom. I jumped out and followed him, only to find out that my brother had two of his friends over. They all saw me naked, and my dog had my bra in his mouth. FML
他尽力了
今天，我拒绝了一个女同事，因为我已经有女朋友了。女同事跑去脸书上发文说，因为我有点变态，所以她才不肯当我女朋友。结果我女朋友看到了这篇po文还真信了，然后把我甩了。FML
Today, I rejected a girl I work with because I have a girlfriend. That girl then posted on Facebook that she'd friendzoned me for being creepy. My girlfriend saw the post, believed it, and dumped me. FML
变态！
今天，邻居透过他家卫生间窗户偷看我姐洗澡让我抓个正行。我质问他在干什么，他回答说，在干每次我姐洗澡都在干的事。FML
Today, I caught my neighbor peeping through his toilet window to watch my sister bathing in our bathroom. I asked him what he was doing, and he told me he was doing what he always does when my sister is bathing. FML
无烟不起火
今天，我去见朋友介绍的相亲对象。进展挺顺的，然后他说要出去抽根烟。过了10分钟他还是没回来。我就给朋友打电话，结果朋友说他压根儿就不抽烟。FML
Today, I went on a blind date that my friend set up for me. It was going pretty good, then he said he was going to go out to smoke. Ten minutes went by and he still hadn't come back. I called my friend and she said he doesn't smoke. FML
吓人
今天，我大半夜醒来，发现头顶有个人影，手里还拿着一把刀。吓得我尖叫起来，人影却噗嗤一下笑出了声。竟然是我妈！她之所以这么做，是为了报复我昨儿晚上吃完她做的饭却没刷碗。FML
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to a figure holding a knife above me. After I screamed in terror, the figure burst into laughter. It was my mom. She did this as payback for me not washing the dishes last night after making food. FML
枪支狂热者
今天，我坐在候诊室里，一个男的把他的BB枪给了他孩子，还跟我保证说：“放心，保险开着呢”。一分钟之后，我脚上差点儿就多了个窟窿。FML
Today, while sitting in a waiting room, a man assured me, "The safety's on" after he handed his kid his BB gun. A minute later, I practically had a hole in my foot. FML
